Laughing with Sarah

Embryo transfer took place on April 14. I had some low cramping immediately after the procedure, and for the next couple days, which seemed like normal "we totally just irritated your uterus" aftermath. Then cramping for a couple more days. And then a day off. And then, cramping all over again, feeling increasingly like regular PMS cramps as we headed into our blood draw this past Saturday morning. During those eleven days between transfer and blood draw, little bits of boob soreness, but nothing major. A day where food made me a little queasy (shortly after one of my co-workers had a nasty stomach bug). A tiny bit of spotting. Basically, eleven days of symptoms that were all equally as likely to be pregnancy-related, PMS-related, or progesterone-supplement-related. Also, I had logged into my patient account during the eleven day wait, just to read through the reports following transfer, and learned there that the grade A blastocyst that they thawed and transferred wa...

Today is Monday. I am currently four days past embryo transfer, and feeling curious about whether I am pregnant, though not anxious. How far we've come in all of this, that I could have such a deep and yet such a loose hold on the outcome of this cycle. More on that in a moment. Probably our best pre-transfer selfie ever! First of all - what? You didn't know that we had started another cycle? Oh right. Because I never mentioned it. Maybe all of this has become routine enough that I haven't felt the need to chronicle it all? Maybe frozen cycles are more of an obnoxious and tedious process rather than the excitement of a fresh cycle? Maybe we've just been busy? Anyway, we started a cycle mid-March. Protocol was birth control pills for a month, then pills and Lupron injections for five days, and then Lupron injections and estrogen pills for a couple weeks, transitioning to just estrogen pills and progesterone up until transfer, and continuing through my pregnancy te...

Anybody out there have advice as to how to keep THE CRAZY at bay? It hasn't even been a week since learning that I was pregnant, and I am already going out of my mind. I constantly think about whether my boobs are as sore as they were yesterday, or if I am feeling more cramping, or if I'm too tired or not tired enough. My heart races every time I use the bathroom because I'm sure I'm going to find bleeding. As I type this, well, WOW, how's that for a lot of TMI...but if you've been there, you know what I mean. Every day, I am sure that THIS will be the day that I'll lose this pregnancy, and every night, instead of feeling thankful for making it through another day, I feel anxious about what the next day might bring. I hope against hope that my crazy brain will quiet down after Monday morning's ultrasound. I'm going to be a huge ball of nerves between now and then. All three of my losses have been early. Within the first week and a half of knowing...

Been a little quiet around here. Flying a bit under the radar. Let's get caught up, shall we? First, I knit a hedgehog. I named him Lucky. Next, I put on a pair of these, which I might also have deemed "lucky." Then, Lucky and my lucky socks came with me here: And today, eight days later, THIS happened: Yup. A little bit pregnant. Given my history, I really want to type that sentence as "a little bit pregnant...at least for now." But I've only known this information for an hour. So I'm going to let myself be happy and excited, the best I can! No sense getting all dreary. Because HELLO! This is crazy awesome news! I have crossed from "pregnant until proven otherwise" to squarely "pregnant." Woohoo! Sorry for doing a FET and not saying much about it. It's nice to be sneaky sometimes.

Lots of things rattling around in my head right now. I finished at St. Timothy a week ago, so I am in a weird, three-week "unemployed" stretch of time. I'm wasting an incredible amount of that time. Lots of internet and TV and not NEARLY enough knitting. Or packing the apartment to move. I think that decompressing after leaving a church takes more emotional energy than you think it does, and it wipes out your powers of concentration and motivation. We just got back from taking a long weekend to go house-hunting in our new town. We're scrambling to make offers on our favorite houses, since we already lost out on one back in January. Lots of thinking about money. And thinking about what kind of house we want and what kind we "deserve," and what it would look like for us, a young childless couple, to buy a beautiful four-bedroom house with full finished basement...especially when plenty of families with kids are living in far smaller homes. Maybe nob...

I get a little weepy if I think too hard about what I was doing exactly one week ago today. Last Sunday night, after a fabulously fun progressive dinner with the high school youth group, I came home and my tummy felt a little crampy and "off," which seemed like it had everything to do with eating WAY TOO MUCH DELICIOUS FOOD. (Seriously, all other thing aside, the brownie hot fudge sundae at our last dinner stop was probably not my best decision.) Went to the bathroom before leaving church, and whatever Saturday spotting had been there seemed to have gone away. During the twenty-minute ride home, I had some serious cramping, and was really uncomfortable, but again, figured it was intestines and food-related. I went to the bathroom, and, well, lots of bleeding. Lots and lots. It didn't freak me out as much as it just made me sad. I knew right away that we were losing this pregnancy. Last Sunday night was pretty terrible. Painful cramps that came in waves, and s...

Thursday morning, December 27, 10:00 a.m.: my quantitative beta. Leading into Thursday, I'd felt crampy for the whole week since the previous Thursday's transfer. Kept my mind and heart occupied with Christmas celebrations with lots of family. No signs one way or the other going into the blood draw. Thursday afternoon, December 27, 2:00 p.m.: A call from my RE's office telling me the beta had come back POSITIVE! Wahoo! Beta was at 32. Today is Saturday. The plan this morning was to get a repeat beta drawn here in NJ (where we are celebrating late Christmas with Matt's family). Got up, showered, had a little pink spotting (argh!). Put it out of my head and hopped into the car to drive to a Quest Diagnostics for my blood draw, only to find out that they don't do same-day results on Saturdays (which I absolutely need). So we go on an adventure to the new University Medical Center of Princeton at Plainsboro. They need a patient ID number that I don't h...

Back at another FET cycle. Met with Dr. Morris last week, and we talked all sorts of numbers, and in no way does he think it is reckless or unwise or silly to jump right back into another transfer cycle...and it's so much very bad luck, but there is nothing else going on, and no reason to believe anything bad is going on. And he was so sweet to us, so gentle and kind, and even hugged me on the way out and asked how I was holding up. Also, back at my diet and exercise. Day one all over again. I spent so much of the summer getting healthy, and then got busy and stopped exercising and started eating out too much, and started feeling bleh. So I went for a run tonight, even though it was dark, even though I was nursing a migraine hangover, even though I was cold and tired. And it was a great run.  Felt good to work off my stress, to take my mind off of busy-ness at work and worries about discernment and frustration over trying to conceive.  And I'm making good food choices...

I just got off the phone with my RE's office, taking care of three items of business that are all big in their own ways. I called in to get things started for another frozen transfer cycle. No sense in waiting. So just like that, we are onto another cycle of meds and blood draws and ultrasounds leading up to a fourth embryo transfer. I want to feel hopeful, but right now, I can only assume that this cycle will end up like all three of the others. I mean, a lot of me is pressing forward because hey, we have at least six good embryos frozen and it'd be a shame not to go ahead and keep trying. I know that I'll bounce back, but right now, I'll admit that I have a pretty lousy attitude going into this cycle, even if I passionately want to press ahead and do it. So related to this, I also scheduled a consult with my RE to ask the same question I asked last time, "Is there anything that we should be looking for, or anything we should do differently, or any possib...

So it would appear that we are all in for another go at IVF. This afternoon, we went in for our re-consult with my RE. My hopes for the conversation were that we would 1) talk a little bit about how things had gone for both our fresh IVF cycle and our frozen cycle from the first half of the year, to see whether there were reasons to be concerned or reasons for failure other than bad luck, and 2) talk about where to go from here, whether there were any tests or repeat tests he would recommend, and a potential gameplan and timeline for a new round of IVF. Our conversation covered both topics - past and future. Looking back, he said that everything about our first cycles was good, and that the only things he could "pick on" were the length of time between starting injections and egg retrieval (which can be shortened by upping the dosages on my meds this time), and the percentage of eggs that fertilized/expanded (which is partially related to the length of cycle issue). I ...

You are right if you figured that my radio silence over the weekend meant bad news. I made it the full week from transfer to blood draw with no bleeding (unlike last time), but with no hint of any pregnancy symptoms (like last time). After the blood draw, we spent the rest of Friday morning at the Arboretum, which was lovely. A good sunny day for taking walks, eating lunch outside, lingering in conversation, and storming the freezer case for ice cream cones. I got the bad-news phone call just before we were about to leave for the airport, where I was dropping Matt off for a weekend in California for a friend's wedding. I was stuck at home for the weekend because I had to perform a wedding. After I dropped Matt at the airport, I wandered around downtown Naperville before the evening's wedding rehearsal, and then both the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner were far more enjoyable than I had been expecting. I winked to myself as I drank both a glass of wine and a cup of...

So I am definitely more detached this cycle than last. That'll happen with fewer medications, far fewer office visits, and only one surgery center visit. It is still way too early to be looking for symptoms, so I have been trying to be a good, patient girl. But today I had a funny moment when a few things happened all at once. First, a funny boobs-on-fire moment. And then an adrenaline rush as I considered for the first time this cycle that this could actually happen. And then the butterflies in my tummy started feeling like queasy little buggers and I felt some cramping/pulling/twinges in my abdomen. And then just as quickly as that all happened, it was over. And even though I haven't felt quite like myself all afternoon and evening since that funny moment, I haven't had any of those symptoms return. I'm not thinking that this funny moment means anything. But if things turn out positive, then I will consider this moment the "awakening." But really, ...

Today was our frozen embryo transfer!  Both frozen blasts thawed well and expanded like they were supposed to, so both of them were good for being transferred. All ready to go! Beauty and the Astronaut Unlike last time, I drank a NORMAL amount of water instead of a HUGE amount of water (the procedure is ultrasound guided so you need a full bladder...fun times).  And since I wasn't in pain/feeling like I was going to explode during the procedure, I actually paid a little more attention to what was going on.  Two thoughts: First, that no matter what you do, the transfer isn't a comfortable  thing.  Lots of poking and prodding.  Second, that there is absolutely no shame when it comes to a procedure like this.  You're pretty darn on display for the doctor and nurses and embryologist.  Ah, the things we do to try to have babies... I've spent all afternoon on the couch, resting and keeping my feet up.  Even though most doctors thes...

Here it goes again, indeed... Did another round of bloodwork and ultrasound last Saturday morning, and got the good news phone call Saturday afternoon that this week is transfer week! Last injection was Saturday night. Starting yesterday then, a routine of both estrogen and progesterone, along with the usual low-dose aspirin and prenatal vitamin, and then embryo transfer on Thursday! Praying for good thawing on Thursday so that we have both of our frozen blasts to transfer. And hoping and praying that at least one sticks this time. I'm not feeling confident, but I know that by Thursday, I will be unbelievably hopeful. Keeping my fingers crossed...

I've been thinking the last few days.  I've been thinking, though not coherent or connected thoughts. I've been thinking about the monotony of this cycle, and its slow, nonanxious pace.  I had my second bloodwork and ultrasound this morning.  I'm still plugging along.  But I have no idea yet what the schedule looks for our transfer date.  I'm hoping that it could be Thursday of next week, but I'm wondering if I'll get pushed off to Thursday of the following week. I've been thinking about whether I expect this cycle to work or not.  If our two best blasts didn't take during the fresh cycle, then why should our third and fourth best blasts work this time? I've been thinking that despite the hype, IVF is really just an expensive way to deal with the same uncertainty and odds that you would deal with if you were able to just try normally.  So I suppose that I expect repeated failure. I've been thinking that we will of course go ahead with...

FET cycles are slow and boring.  Just thought I'd let you know. A long stretch of injections, but only a tiny dosage.  And then adding to the routine some teensy tiny pills.  And far fewer blood draws and ultrasounds.  Which makes everything feel quite casual. There are two (marginally) notable things about this cycle so far, however. First, that I bit the bullet and successfully stuck myself with a needle!  More than once!  Having guests staying at our place, Matt being gone for a weekend - both of those things made me feel bold to try giving myself the injection, and even though I FAR prefer to have Matt do them for me, I have successfully injected myself 3 or 4 times this cycle. Second, my baseline blood draw and ultrasound took place last week, and Matt was sick, so I went all by myself.  And it might not sound like a big deal, but this is my first solo blood draw in six years...and that last solo blood draw is the one that initially turned...

...(yup, you know where this is going)...try, try again! Last night was my first Lupron injection, marking the start of our frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle. A longer but easier ordeal. I need to settle into the old pattern of nightly injections. The good: only one injection a night. The bad: this goes on for more weeks than injections for a fresh cycle. Anyway, nothing at all interesting to report about the start of the cycle other than the fact that we started it. Here's hoping for a positive outcome!