I've been thinking

I've been thinking the last few days.  I've been thinking, though not coherent or connected thoughts.

I've been thinking about the monotony of this cycle, and its slow, nonanxious pace.  I had my second bloodwork and ultrasound this morning.  I'm still plugging along.  But I have no idea yet what the schedule looks for our transfer date.  I'm hoping that it could be Thursday of next week, but I'm wondering if I'll get pushed off to Thursday of the following week.

I've been thinking about whether I expect this cycle to work or not.  If our two best blasts didn't take during the fresh cycle, then why should our third and fourth best blasts work this time?

I've been thinking that despite the hype, IVF is really just an expensive way to deal with the same uncertainty and odds that you would deal with if you were able to just try normally.  So I suppose that I expect repeated failure.

I've been thinking that we will of course go ahead with another IVF cycle if our current FET cycle doesn't work.

I've been thinking about how I so very much want to start adoption paperwork, because it takes a long time, and because we want to adopt regardless...we've talked about it for years.  But I've also been thinking that it would be really helpful to be living in a house to do this.  I have to believe that social workers would think more fondly of us if we actually had real space for a child to live.

I've also been thinking about how I have no intellectual, rational, well-thought out idea about whether we might ever decide to be foster parents.  And yet every time that I see something on TV or hear from social service agencies about the need for foster parents, I feel a weight in my gut, and last night, I even teared up when watching an ad on TV last night that was raising awareness about foster children and their need for good families.  Is this a sign?  Is there a calling in us yet to be unearthed?  But again, that same need-a-house problem.

I've been thinking, just a teensy bit, about what I'd do if this whole biological conceiving thing never happens for us.  I suppose that the more accurate statement is that I haven't yet thought NEARLY enough about what a future without biological (or any) children might look like.  Matt is in a different place than I am.  He assured me before my first IVF injection that he had made peace with whatever the future held for us.  He said that he was willing to do whatever I wanted, and that if IVF was too hard and I just couldn't do it, then he would be okay with it.  If I think too hard about this, I get worried that maybe he doesn't actually want a family.  But if I think about it the right amount, then I feel overwhelmingly grateful for having a husband who loves me no matter what size family we become, and someone who will be a great dad when it comes to that, but someone who is also a spectacular husband if we don't have kids.  And it takes the pressure off.  And it gives me the assurance that we will be okay.

I've been thinking about how very much I know about reproduction...more than any average female ever really needs to know.

I've been thinking about how I don't think often about my two losses, even though they are a strong part of who I am.  But I also know that I get teary when I remember our first consultation with Dr. Morris, when he looked at my chart, then at me, and said "Well.  You've had a rough go of things."

I mean, the honest truth is that I don't spend nearly as much time thinking about our infertility journey as I used to.  And even though any one of these thoughts flickers through my brain from time to time, I am in a distanced place right now, where I am focusing my thoughts on bigger and other things.  I suppose that I'm getting to a point where I am deciding to be more than my infertility, and quieter about it.  Maybe this is the first step toward making true peace with this journey and wherever it might lead.