Laughing with Sarah

The change of seasons from summer into fall and winter has always been a time that stirs up nostalgia in me. This is the season of preparing for holiday celebrations, and I feel nostalgic for a whole series of small, one-off memories of otherwise long-forgotten or even insignificant moments from childhood Thanksgiving and Christmas preparations. This is the season of college Christmasfest rehearsals, and I feel nostalgic for choir memories, for college moments, and for the days when there was the perfect mix of of alone time time, quiet space, and coming-of-age introspection. In recent years, this is the season of saying the long goodbye to my father, which evokes a different sense of nostalgia, laden with a lot of "what ifs" and "if we had only knowns." And so this is also a season where I feel nostalgic for all memories of my dad and all the things that I associate with him - food (especially holiday meals and treats), music (especially holiday music), and f...

It hasn't been the best day. So I baked brownies. This morning, Sam and I waged epic battle over what shirt to wear. He insisted short sleeves, I insisted long sleeves. This led to an out and out refusal to wear a shirt at all. After about an hour of pleading, yelling, whispering, drawer slamming, bribery, guilt trips, reverse psychology, love & logic, and every other parenting maneuver (good, bad, and ugly)...he still was wearing no shirt. So I did what any reasonable parent would do. I picked him up, carried my shoeless and shirtless child to the car, and strapped him into the car seat, throwing a pair of shoes and a long-sleeved shirt into the front seat of the car. I put Ellie in her car seat and away we went. I naively believed that Sam would calm down during the drive and feel compelled to put on shoes and shirt when we got to school. Ha. He spent the whole drive demanding that I turn around, go home, and find him a short-sleeved shirt. We got to school and he r...

It is 9:53 p.m. Both kiddos are asleep. The baby monitor is quiet. The dryer is tumbling with the last of the laundry. The living room lights are dim and cozy. I am stretched out on the couch with a cat at my feed, my knitting bag sitting next to me, ready for action. The remote control is also sitting next to me, in case I want a little background noise, but for now, the quiet is nice. I should be enjoying the moment and looking forward to an hour or so of unwind time before heading up to bed. But instead, my heart just won't quiet down and my brain can't settle, and I keep neurotically looking to the baby monitor, to catch any sound before it happens. And why? Because Sam said his tummy hurt. We watched the end of Finding Nemo tonight, and ate some popcorn. He was happy and sweet and wonderful. He was full of energy tonight, and was in great spirits. He played nicely with Ellie. He was helpful. He was funny. He was a good listener as Matt read him bedtime stories, and e...

This is the original of the picture that I posted to Instagram and Facebook yesterday, on Mother's Day. I posted it with the following caption: Never imagined I'd ever take a picture like this. My miracles number one and number two. #picaday #motheroftwo #babyeleanorann #bigbrothersam #mothersday #proudmama #ivf #infertilityjourney For anyone who has ever struggled with infertility, loss, or childlessness (by choice or not), or anyone who grieves the loss of a mother or a relationship with her mother, Mother's Day is a complicated holiday. For me as a daughter, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a fantastic mom, and we have a fantastic relationship. I have a wonderful mother-in-law, and we, too, have a wonderful relationship. But for me as a mother, my emotions on Mother's Day are still plenty complicated. My life these days is busy. Pleasantly so. My days are full of church and family, work projects and home projects, cooking, not enough cleaning, not nearly e...

Because Owlet's c-section was a scheduled one, and because it was scheduled for December 27, the only way that I was going to spend Christmas with my family was if they all came here, which they did. My mom came in time for Christmas Eve, and then everybody else came in Christmas Day or the 26th. Christmas Eve was a lazy morning of breakfast out (per tradition), and then gearing up for three evening worship services. After the first of those three services, both of my legs blew up like balloons. It hit me, then and there, that despite all of my anxiety about the c-section procedure, I was so very ready to be done with this pregnancy. I was tired. My legs were puffy. I had crazy heartburn. I'd slept on the couch more nights than in my bed over the last couple weeks because I couldn't get comfortable. I drank lots of water the rest of the evening, and came home between services to put on pj's and put my feet up. I committed myself to sit through worship except when I ...

Two doctor's appointments have taken place since my last entry. The first one was quick and unsettling. It was a busy day and the clinic was running late, which wasn't a big deal for me, but seemed to up the anxiety of everybody around me. Weight was up a small but normal amount. Blood pressure still hovering in the 130s/80s. It was one of those half-naked appointments (fun times), to do the Group B strep swabs and a quick check for any progress whatsoever. Turns out this baby is hanging high, and there are absolutely no markers that (s)he is going anywhere anytime soon. Dr. Locke and I had another quick blood pressure chat, and even though I could tell that neither of us liked my numbers, he also said that, rationally, there was no reason to be worried. He said that, as a doctor, if he hadn't known my history, my BP numbers wouldn't cause him any concern. And so to be fair and reasoned with me as a professional, there was no sense in getting anxious. He also said tha...

I've had two doctor appointments since I last showed up 'round these parts! One yesterday, one two weeks ago. Both incredibly uneventful. A nice, normal weight gain two weeks ago, a negligible weight gain between then and yesterday. Blood pressure still low. Belly measuring like it should. Owlet's heartbeat easy to find and normal. My next appointment is in another two weeks, and part of that day will be sitting with Dr. Davis, my surgeon, for a c-section consultation. Also, my next appointment is my last every-two-week appointment. After that, we go every week until Owlet gets here. We are officially on the schedule for a December 27 c-section (provided I make it that long). That is six weeks from yesterday. Yikes! Over this past weekend, I feel like a whole new batch of pregnancy hormones must have kicked in. Despite not really gaining any weight in the last two weeks, I spent the weekend feeling (and looking) like I had gained, like, ten pounds. My belly started to f...

If you don't want to read the rest of the story, no worries. The quick update: had my regular monthly OB appointment yesterday afternoon. My blood pressure was good (which, given the rest of my day, as you'll read, is a small miracle). Owlet was squiggling up a storm in my belly, and heartbeat was 144. Belly is measuring 22cm, which is spot-on for being nearly 22 weeks. A small and very appropriate weight gain over the last month. We talked over the ultrasound report, and everything looks good. The only thing to keep watch on is my placenta, and not for any of the reasons that I had suspected. Apparently, anterior placenta after a c-section could potentially signal that the placenta has nestled in and gotten itself stuck in my c-section scar, which wouldn't be the best. But Dr. Locke communicated that the risk is pretty low, and that there's nothing to do or worry about right now, and that we'll do a repeat ultrasound sometime before 30 weeks. Otherwise, all is well...

This is what I look like as of today: 21 weeks (August 19, 2016) Owlet is still wiggling up a storm, and the belly is definitely growing. I don't have another doctor's appointment until next Wednesday, when we'll get to talk over my ultrasound results in addition to the usual business of weight, blood pressure, Owlet's heart rate, etc. Funny (not so much) story: My ultrasound was last Friday, and the ultrasound tech was very kind. She did all her business, and then took time to show us fun pictures of Owlet wiggling around, and Owlet's crossed ankles, and cute profile shots and all. She told us that the radiologist would now look through the pictures and write a report, which would then be forwarded to my doctor, who would talk through the results with us. She warned us that this sometimes takes a couple of business days, and so, being a Friday, I didn't expect to hear anything until at least the middle of this week. I got a phone call on Monday morni...

I just made myself a cup of coffee using the pour-over system I received for my birthday back in June, because it is 3:00 p.m., which feels like nap-o-clock, and I haven't had any caffeine yet today, and I don't care to spend any more time or money to get coffee any other way. Friends, I am tired today. I haven't slept well for a few nights now, and am still catching up on sleep from a fantastic but full-scheduled conference last week. Last night, I woke up a lot because the crazy dreams have kicked in. Not sure about the night before. We had another regularly-scheduled doctor's appointment today. Everything looks good! We were in and out very quickly. Owlet's heartbeat was quick and easy to find, whooshing away at 160bpm. My blood pressure continues to stay nice and low. My weight jumped a crazy 8 pounds from last month, but my weight was down last month a couple pounds from the month before. So I'm really only at a net gain of 8 pounds overall. Just fee...

Welcome, back, family members who have been shut out of this blog for a few weeks! We finally shared the news with both sides of our family this past week, so I can now come out of hiding (not that I managed to write a whole lot during the weeks I kept the blog private or anything). First of all, I realized that I never followed up on my last anxious post! Oops. I went back to the doctor a week later for a quick, off-the-books heartbeat check. I went into the office with high hopes but few expectations, and even fewer emotional back-up plans in the event that we still couldn't hear anything. Dr. Locke asked me how I was feeling, and whether my belly had started feeling any bigger to me yet or not. And then out came the doppler. It took about six seconds before we heard the glorious sound of that teeny heartbeat, galloping away inside my belly. I had scrunched my eyes closed from the moment I got onto the table, and once I heard that sound, I got a little teary, and a huge smil...

It finally happened. I had a freak-out. Took me nearly 10 weeks this time, which is pretty impressive. Yesterday we had our first OB visit. I'd met with the OB nurse coordinator a couple weeks ago to do a bunch of preliminary stuff, including bloodwork. Yesterday, we had our appointment with Dr. Locke. A lot of good conversation, especially about the complications with Sam's birth (but my perfect health for the entire pregnancy before that!). We talked through our IVF and FET cycles, and about plans and considerations for this pregnancy (repeat c-section, intentions to breastfeed, weight goals, nutrition goals, etc.) Once again, I will affirm just how much we love Dr. Locke! We did a basic physical exam, and again, everything seems healthy and fine. Uterus is measuring in the 8-9 week range, which Dr. Locke considers spot-on (except that I'm close to 10 weeks, so I don't know what to do with that). The only bugger was that we couldn't pick up a heartbeat on the ...

I'm not sure if it was Matt or my Mom who, in my life, first told me, flat-out, "Everything always looks better in the morning." But it is the truth, right? Every fear, every anxiety, every worry, every despair is heightened in the middle of the night. Especially when you are trying to sleep but can't. Especially when you awoke with a start. Yesterday was an anxious day for me, all day. I had awoken with a sore back to start the day, and my lower back ache coupled with constant (but not painful) cramps made me nervous that my body was trying to accomplish something (and by something, I mean nothing good). The constant aches and the constant anxiety about those aches meant that I became more and more of an exhausted, emotional wreck as the day went on. Every time I used the bathroom, I was sure that I was going to find bleeding. Meanwhile, yesterday was a very busy day, filled with meetings were I needed my brain to be present and focused, which meant using up ...

Embryo transfer took place on April 14. I had some low cramping immediately after the procedure, and for the next couple days, which seemed like normal "we totally just irritated your uterus" aftermath. Then cramping for a couple more days. And then a day off. And then, cramping all over again, feeling increasingly like regular PMS cramps as we headed into our blood draw this past Saturday morning. During those eleven days between transfer and blood draw, little bits of boob soreness, but nothing major. A day where food made me a little queasy (shortly after one of my co-workers had a nasty stomach bug). A tiny bit of spotting. Basically, eleven days of symptoms that were all equally as likely to be pregnancy-related, PMS-related, or progesterone-supplement-related. Also, I had logged into my patient account during the eleven day wait, just to read through the reports following transfer, and learned there that the grade A blastocyst that they thawed and transferred wa...

Confirmed: No pregnancy this cycle. I had a pretty good sense by Thursday evening that this round hadn't been successful, and the blood draw Friday morning confirmed it. We are sad, definitely. And frustrated. And a little part of me is feeling flashes of the despair of five cycles in a row to get Sam. But mostly? We're doing fine. I am feeling strangely at peace. As I mentioned before, my biggest fear and concern with this cycle was getting any useful number of embryos to freeze, and we have six - SIX! - frozen. So that made this cycle feel successful to me, even if not in the way that I would have most wanted. We will pursue a frozen cycle sometime after the new year (no sense in squishing one in during one of the busiest times of the year for me). Meanwhile, I am itching to get back to running, and it couldn't hurt me to fix up my sleeping and eating habits a little bit as well. So even as we head toward the holidays, I am looking forward to making a little extra...

Here's the before and after shot from last Friday's egg retrieval. I love how the main difference in the two pictures is the presence of toast (or lack thereof). I guess this is your visual proof that my retrieval was uneventful and that I tolerated the sedation well. :) We left the house before 6:00 a.m., dropping Sam off at a friend's house (who would take him to daycare when it opened) on our way out. Our check-in time was 7:30 a.m. We got there just fine, checked in, and went up to the outpatient surgery floor, where I got all gowned up and IV-ed. We were all ready to go by about 8:20 a.m. And then we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally, around 9:30 a.m., they came to get me. I hopped up onto a wheely-bed, and they took me down to pre-surgery, where some nice nurses and a nice anesthesiologist all came to check in with me. And then more waiting. I was there about half an hour, during which time I did one of those "doze off and feel like I'm fal...