I'm not sure if it was Matt or my Mom who, in my life, first told me, flat-out, "Everything always looks better in the morning."
But it is the truth, right?
Every fear, every anxiety, every worry, every despair is heightened in the middle of the night. Especially when you are trying to sleep but can't. Especially when you awoke with a start.
Yesterday was an anxious day for me, all day. I had awoken with a sore back to start the day, and my lower back ache coupled with constant (but not painful) cramps made me nervous that my body was trying to accomplish something (and by something, I mean nothing good). The constant aches and the constant anxiety about those aches meant that I became more and more of an exhausted, emotional wreck as the day went on. Every time I used the bathroom, I was sure that I was going to find bleeding.
Meanwhile, yesterday was a very busy day, filled with meetings were I needed my brain to be present and focused, which meant using up even more of my dwindling energy stores.
By the time I got home, I was anxious about my body, anxious about losing a pregnancy, anxious about an unbelievably busy week coming up next week, anxious about my inability to keep the house clean, anxious and overwhelmed about whether I actually have the time, energy, or emotional strength to manage a second child.
I ate an unhealthy amount of chips and nacho dip once Sam was in bed and I could sink into the couch for some mindless TV time and mindless eating.
About 10:30, I headed upstairs to bed, thinking that sleep might be the only thing to quiet my cramping or to quiet my anxiety. I fell asleep immediately.
I awoke just after midnight, sweaty and unbearably anxious. I felt crampy and bloated and nauseous. I was worried that I was about to throw up or miscarry or both. My brain flashed back to my ectopic pregnancy, whose symptoms began with me feeling unrelentingly bloated and gassy, and even though I was in no pain last night, I started worrying that maybe we were going down that road again.
Honestly, I'm not sure whether I felt any of these physical symptoms or just dreamed them. I'm not sure if I woke up anxious because of how I was feeling or because I had dreamed something anxiety-provoking. All I know is that I lay in bed for about five minutes before picking myself up and heading downstairs, hoping that I could curl up on the couch, watch middle-of-the-night television, and distract myself into falling back asleep.
Matt was still awake and downstairs, and he asked if it would help if he came up to bed with me (instead of me staying downstairs alone). I agree to try it.
Back upstairs, with a bedside light on, with another person laying by me, I started to come around. My anxiety started to normalize, my nausea started to go away, my body temperature regulated, and it didn't take me very long to fall back asleep.
I don't know how to describe last night other than to say that it felt like I woke up in the middle of a full-on anxiety attack.
This morning, I woke up early, and immediately realized that I felt better. Everything is better in the morning. My back was feeling better. My cramping had gone back to being mild and intermittent, and exactly what you'd think a growing and stretching uterus would feel like. My anxiety was back to normal (which, in these early days of pregnancy, is never absent, but is manageable). My tummy felt fine.
With a few good hours of sleep, it was as if somebody had hit the reset button.
Today has been a fine day. Still no bleeding, meaning that I can settle back into thinking that this is a normal pregnancy doing normal and successful things. Very little cramping. A lot of fatigue, but mostly because of a completely interrupted night of sleep.
This FET cycle, I had promised myself that I wouldn't get so anxious. When we got our positive beta, I told myself that anxiety didn't help or hurt anything, so why bother with it? And I so wish that my self-talk were powerful enough to get rid of all the anxiety I feel. I don't want to be anxious. I don't choose to be anxious. I'm frustrated that last night was so crazy. I'm annoyed that I can't yet go a day without worrying that this will be the day that things go off the rails.
This is a special brand of anxiety, I think. Reserved for women who have experienced loss, and women who have experienced infertility. The anxiety of knowing how much physical and emotional work it would take to start over (again!) if this cycle fails.
But each morning is new. Each morning that I wake up and everything is still good, I remind myself that "TODAY I am pregnant!" I know from re-reading my posts early on in my pregnancy with Sam that I was an unholy bucket of anxiety then, too. It gives me hope and reassurance. I made it through last time. I'll make it through again. One day at a time. Make it through each night. And remember that everything is better in the morning.
But it is the truth, right?
Every fear, every anxiety, every worry, every despair is heightened in the middle of the night. Especially when you are trying to sleep but can't. Especially when you awoke with a start.
Yesterday was an anxious day for me, all day. I had awoken with a sore back to start the day, and my lower back ache coupled with constant (but not painful) cramps made me nervous that my body was trying to accomplish something (and by something, I mean nothing good). The constant aches and the constant anxiety about those aches meant that I became more and more of an exhausted, emotional wreck as the day went on. Every time I used the bathroom, I was sure that I was going to find bleeding.
Meanwhile, yesterday was a very busy day, filled with meetings were I needed my brain to be present and focused, which meant using up even more of my dwindling energy stores.
By the time I got home, I was anxious about my body, anxious about losing a pregnancy, anxious about an unbelievably busy week coming up next week, anxious about my inability to keep the house clean, anxious and overwhelmed about whether I actually have the time, energy, or emotional strength to manage a second child.
I ate an unhealthy amount of chips and nacho dip once Sam was in bed and I could sink into the couch for some mindless TV time and mindless eating.
About 10:30, I headed upstairs to bed, thinking that sleep might be the only thing to quiet my cramping or to quiet my anxiety. I fell asleep immediately.
I awoke just after midnight, sweaty and unbearably anxious. I felt crampy and bloated and nauseous. I was worried that I was about to throw up or miscarry or both. My brain flashed back to my ectopic pregnancy, whose symptoms began with me feeling unrelentingly bloated and gassy, and even though I was in no pain last night, I started worrying that maybe we were going down that road again.
Honestly, I'm not sure whether I felt any of these physical symptoms or just dreamed them. I'm not sure if I woke up anxious because of how I was feeling or because I had dreamed something anxiety-provoking. All I know is that I lay in bed for about five minutes before picking myself up and heading downstairs, hoping that I could curl up on the couch, watch middle-of-the-night television, and distract myself into falling back asleep.
Matt was still awake and downstairs, and he asked if it would help if he came up to bed with me (instead of me staying downstairs alone). I agree to try it.
Back upstairs, with a bedside light on, with another person laying by me, I started to come around. My anxiety started to normalize, my nausea started to go away, my body temperature regulated, and it didn't take me very long to fall back asleep.
I don't know how to describe last night other than to say that it felt like I woke up in the middle of a full-on anxiety attack.
This morning, I woke up early, and immediately realized that I felt better. Everything is better in the morning. My back was feeling better. My cramping had gone back to being mild and intermittent, and exactly what you'd think a growing and stretching uterus would feel like. My anxiety was back to normal (which, in these early days of pregnancy, is never absent, but is manageable). My tummy felt fine.
With a few good hours of sleep, it was as if somebody had hit the reset button.
Today has been a fine day. Still no bleeding, meaning that I can settle back into thinking that this is a normal pregnancy doing normal and successful things. Very little cramping. A lot of fatigue, but mostly because of a completely interrupted night of sleep.
This FET cycle, I had promised myself that I wouldn't get so anxious. When we got our positive beta, I told myself that anxiety didn't help or hurt anything, so why bother with it? And I so wish that my self-talk were powerful enough to get rid of all the anxiety I feel. I don't want to be anxious. I don't choose to be anxious. I'm frustrated that last night was so crazy. I'm annoyed that I can't yet go a day without worrying that this will be the day that things go off the rails.
This is a special brand of anxiety, I think. Reserved for women who have experienced loss, and women who have experienced infertility. The anxiety of knowing how much physical and emotional work it would take to start over (again!) if this cycle fails.
But each morning is new. Each morning that I wake up and everything is still good, I remind myself that "TODAY I am pregnant!" I know from re-reading my posts early on in my pregnancy with Sam that I was an unholy bucket of anxiety then, too. It gives me hope and reassurance. I made it through last time. I'll make it through again. One day at a time. Make it through each night. And remember that everything is better in the morning.
Comments
Post a Comment