Laughing with Sarah

Doing IVF is complicated when you live in a small town far from your beloved RE (five hours away in Chicago), and far from a medical center that can handle the particular types of monitoring blood testing and ultrasounds that an IVF cycle requires (an hour and a half away in Rochester). We knew that it was complicated, which is why we talked about whether our last cycle before moving here (the one that, blessedly, resulted in sweet Sam!) would be the LAST last cycle that we ever did. Except, of course, once we had a baby in our arms, there was no question that we were going to want another one. So after our consult with Dr. Morris at the beginning of the summer, we started bracing ourselves for the logistical nightmare that would be this IVF cycle. Realizing that we'd have to be the go-between communicator, trying to get labs scheduled (both locally and up at Mayo) and then making sure the results were sent to the Chicago office in appropriately timely fashions; we had slated...

Plans are underway. Consults accomplished. Appointment and testing requests in the works. If routine tests confirm that everything looks normal with my body and my hormones (we have no reason to believe otherwise), then we are on the schedule for a two-week "vacation" to Chicago, beginning August 15, to begin a round of IVF all over again. The protocol has changed a bit since the last time we went through this - no longer do they seek to accomplish stimulation, egg retrieval, PGD, and embryo transfer all in one action-packed three week span. Instead, they take you through retrieval, and then perform PGD and freeze the embryos instead of trying to rush toward transfer. Which means a shorter on-the-ground commitment in Chicago (better for Matt's and my work/vacation schedules), with a lower-stress FET cycle to happen at a future date. One step at a time. Already, our minds and hearts have slipped back into that willfully forgetful place where we don't think at ...

Two different families in the congregations have had babies this week. It's exciting! I consider every new baby these days a potential bff for Sam, and like to imagine all of these little ones growing up together, playing together, and going to school together. Yesterday, I was doing hospital visits and walked by the maternity ward. There was a brand new little baby girl hanging out in the nursery. So sweet. And I ran into one of the couples from church as they were on their way out after a weight check for their little one. My heart flashed back to Sam's birth and the first weeks of his life. The craziness of having this tiny little person in your care. Muddling through on little sleep and lots of nursing time. The excitement over all of the tiniest "firsts" of his existence. As I type, I have my almost five month old little man sitting in my lap, trying to eat my hand and getting drool all over EVERYTHING. He is absolutely content with life today, happy to be ...

Back at another FET cycle. Met with Dr. Morris last week, and we talked all sorts of numbers, and in no way does he think it is reckless or unwise or silly to jump right back into another transfer cycle...and it's so much very bad luck, but there is nothing else going on, and no reason to believe anything bad is going on. And he was so sweet to us, so gentle and kind, and even hugged me on the way out and asked how I was holding up. Also, back at my diet and exercise. Day one all over again. I spent so much of the summer getting healthy, and then got busy and stopped exercising and started eating out too much, and started feeling bleh. So I went for a run tonight, even though it was dark, even though I was nursing a migraine hangover, even though I was cold and tired. And it was a great run.  Felt good to work off my stress, to take my mind off of busy-ness at work and worries about discernment and frustration over trying to conceive.  And I'm making good food choices...

I just got off the phone with my RE's office, taking care of three items of business that are all big in their own ways. I called in to get things started for another frozen transfer cycle. No sense in waiting. So just like that, we are onto another cycle of meds and blood draws and ultrasounds leading up to a fourth embryo transfer. I want to feel hopeful, but right now, I can only assume that this cycle will end up like all three of the others. I mean, a lot of me is pressing forward because hey, we have at least six good embryos frozen and it'd be a shame not to go ahead and keep trying. I know that I'll bounce back, but right now, I'll admit that I have a pretty lousy attitude going into this cycle, even if I passionately want to press ahead and do it. So related to this, I also scheduled a consult with my RE to ask the same question I asked last time, "Is there anything that we should be looking for, or anything we should do differently, or any possib...

So here we are.  It is August.  It is absolutely crazy to me to think that almost exactly a year ago, I was starting Clomid and getting squeamish about the eventual "trigger shot" that they would have to give me and the handful of monitoring ultrasounds they'd have to do to pinpoint a date for that shot.  Little did I know just how many shots, blood tests, and ultrasounds were ahead of me. It's August, and now nearly three months since our failed FET cycle, and no, I still haven't called my RE to schedule a consult.  To be fair, we did decide to take the summer off, at least until after all of our summer travels. The logical parts of me feel certain that we will do another round of IVF (and, if we have enough embryos, another FET cycle), because...well...wouldn't it be silly not to?  I mean, two rounds of "failure" this spring does not constitute Failure.  Two rounds can yet be easily explained away in terms of bad luck.  It hasn't worked yet...