I just got off the phone with my RE's office, taking care of three items of business that are all big in their own ways.
I called in to get things started for another frozen transfer cycle. No sense in waiting. So just like that, we are onto another cycle of meds and blood draws and ultrasounds leading up to a fourth embryo transfer. I want to feel hopeful, but right now, I can only assume that this cycle will end up like all three of the others. I mean, a lot of me is pressing forward because hey, we have at least six good embryos frozen and it'd be a shame not to go ahead and keep trying. I know that I'll bounce back, but right now, I'll admit that I have a pretty lousy attitude going into this cycle, even if I passionately want to press ahead and do it.
So related to this, I also scheduled a consult with my RE to ask the same question I asked last time, "Is there anything that we should be looking for, or anything we should do differently, or any possible reason that things might not be working besides just bad luck?" He's a really smart and thoughtful guy. I know that if I ask about causes of implantation failure, he'll be able to talk to me about it, even if it turns out that there is no reason to believe that any of these causes apply to me. But I'm getting to the point where I want to press a little more deeply on potential problems, because I'm tired of being just a victim of horrible luck.
I also needed to have the office reset my password to my patient log-in, because it's been a year now, and my password had expired. Something small and super-easy to fix, but depressing to me. It's been a full year since we started all of this. One year ago, I was bouncing back from surgery and from the news that I'd lost a tube and that my other tube was seriously compromised, and that IVF was really our only wise choice for trying to conceive safely. One year ago, I was sure that we'd figured out the cause of our previous inability to conceive, and was thrilled to start IVF (except for the part about all the needles), and expecting the best. But one year later, I'm still here. I had gotten to thinking how great it was to know everybody in the office so well. Except that to do so, it means that I've had to keep going back and going back and going back. Getting to know them all means that I haven't been successful.
A lot of me wonders what is practical going forward and what is just silly or reckless. At what point do we say, "enough" and just stop? When does our perseverance become senseless?
And in the meantime, what the heck do I pray for? Tuesday night, when I started bleeding just eight hours or so before my blood draw, I exchanged some pretty harsh words with The Big Man Himself. I hurled some words at him that I would definitely not ever say out loud in polite company. Because I was angry. And frustrated. And feeling so let down. Feeling like my prayers (and the prayers of so many around me on my behalf) are just going unnoticed.
Today, I read a sermon by one of my favorite pastors, Nadia Bolz-Weber, on this past Sunday's gospel, where James and John demand that Jesus give them whatever they ask for, and when they ask for the desire of their heart, Jesus responds, "you do not know what you are asking for."
She says,
I'm still angry. And I still have no idea what to pray for. And, honestly, I don't really know what I need right now, other than a couple more days to let my hurt feelings wear off, and to settle back into the regular patterns of life again, and to let time heal this wound the way that time heals all wounds. But honestly, I'm feeling kind of beaten up right now, and I don't have a silver lining to end this blog post with the way that I often have for other blog posts.
We press forward, that is all I know. And we see what comes next for us. And we do the best we can to make sense of things and hope that maybe there's at least some peace ahead of us, whatever form it might take.
I called in to get things started for another frozen transfer cycle. No sense in waiting. So just like that, we are onto another cycle of meds and blood draws and ultrasounds leading up to a fourth embryo transfer. I want to feel hopeful, but right now, I can only assume that this cycle will end up like all three of the others. I mean, a lot of me is pressing forward because hey, we have at least six good embryos frozen and it'd be a shame not to go ahead and keep trying. I know that I'll bounce back, but right now, I'll admit that I have a pretty lousy attitude going into this cycle, even if I passionately want to press ahead and do it.
So related to this, I also scheduled a consult with my RE to ask the same question I asked last time, "Is there anything that we should be looking for, or anything we should do differently, or any possible reason that things might not be working besides just bad luck?" He's a really smart and thoughtful guy. I know that if I ask about causes of implantation failure, he'll be able to talk to me about it, even if it turns out that there is no reason to believe that any of these causes apply to me. But I'm getting to the point where I want to press a little more deeply on potential problems, because I'm tired of being just a victim of horrible luck.
I also needed to have the office reset my password to my patient log-in, because it's been a year now, and my password had expired. Something small and super-easy to fix, but depressing to me. It's been a full year since we started all of this. One year ago, I was bouncing back from surgery and from the news that I'd lost a tube and that my other tube was seriously compromised, and that IVF was really our only wise choice for trying to conceive safely. One year ago, I was sure that we'd figured out the cause of our previous inability to conceive, and was thrilled to start IVF (except for the part about all the needles), and expecting the best. But one year later, I'm still here. I had gotten to thinking how great it was to know everybody in the office so well. Except that to do so, it means that I've had to keep going back and going back and going back. Getting to know them all means that I haven't been successful.
A lot of me wonders what is practical going forward and what is just silly or reckless. At what point do we say, "enough" and just stop? When does our perseverance become senseless?
And in the meantime, what the heck do I pray for? Tuesday night, when I started bleeding just eight hours or so before my blood draw, I exchanged some pretty harsh words with The Big Man Himself. I hurled some words at him that I would definitely not ever say out loud in polite company. Because I was angry. And frustrated. And feeling so let down. Feeling like my prayers (and the prayers of so many around me on my behalf) are just going unnoticed.
Today, I read a sermon by one of my favorite pastors, Nadia Bolz-Weber, on this past Sunday's gospel, where James and John demand that Jesus give them whatever they ask for, and when they ask for the desire of their heart, Jesus responds, "you do not know what you are asking for."
She says,
See, I think that sometimes I want God to do something for me because if I get that thing or that situation comes true then the promise is that I will avoid some kind of suffering....I think that’s what we do. Our desire to have God do something for us is rooted in our desire to avoid suffering which is, on an existential level, our desire to avoid death. And to all of this Jesus says “you do not know what you are asking."Definitely a pertinent and challenging message to me, as I reflect upon my anger with God and the way that I keep asking for this one very thing, and keep feeling like a little part (or a big part?) of me dies each time that blood test comes back negative. So I'm not quite sure where this leaves me. But I do know that I needed to regain a little perspective on my faith in the midst of this, and Nadia's sermon helped with that.
Nobody avoids suffering. Nobody avoids death.
Don’t mistake me. There is nothing wrong with asking things of God. Indeed, part of being a people of faith is to lift our hearts to God in both praise and petition. And if nothing else, this is indeed a praying church. Of course we take the desires of our hearts to God as well we should. We just shouldn’t be overly sure that us getting what we want means that we will be happy and it surely doesn’t mean we get a pass on the hard stuff.
To our personal requests of God, to all of our desires that we bring to Jesus saying hey Jesus we want you to do for us whatever we ask Jesus just smiles and says “it doesn’t work like that” It doesn’t work like that but I did come to bring you life and life abundant and the real truth of that is never found in the avoidance of pain or the manipulation of God or transcending the human experience it always comes from death and resurrection. Truth and life and all the things God wants to reveal to us in Jesus Christ come from descent into death before rising to new life and we might fight that or think that we have found a work around for it but that road to Jerusalem is where we stay.
I'm still angry. And I still have no idea what to pray for. And, honestly, I don't really know what I need right now, other than a couple more days to let my hurt feelings wear off, and to settle back into the regular patterns of life again, and to let time heal this wound the way that time heals all wounds. But honestly, I'm feeling kind of beaten up right now, and I don't have a silver lining to end this blog post with the way that I often have for other blog posts.
We press forward, that is all I know. And we see what comes next for us. And we do the best we can to make sense of things and hope that maybe there's at least some peace ahead of us, whatever form it might take.
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