Laughing with Sarah

Confirmed: No pregnancy this cycle. I had a pretty good sense by Thursday evening that this round hadn't been successful, and the blood draw Friday morning confirmed it. We are sad, definitely. And frustrated. And a little part of me is feeling flashes of the despair of five cycles in a row to get Sam. But mostly? We're doing fine. I am feeling strangely at peace. As I mentioned before, my biggest fear and concern with this cycle was getting any useful number of embryos to freeze, and we have six - SIX! - frozen. So that made this cycle feel successful to me, even if not in the way that I would have most wanted. We will pursue a frozen cycle sometime after the new year (no sense in squishing one in during one of the busiest times of the year for me). Meanwhile, I am itching to get back to running, and it couldn't hurt me to fix up my sleeping and eating habits a little bit as well. So even as we head toward the holidays, I am looking forward to making a little extra...

Wednesday morning was transfer day. We left Sam with an early morning babysitter when we left the house at 5:00 a.m. to make it to Rochester for our 6:30 a.m. report time. We went up to the same floor as last Friday. The same pod of rooms. A couple of the same nurses. Our room had only chairs this time, not a bed, and the gown they gave me was easily twice the size of the one I wore on Friday. I couldn't keep the thing up over my shoulders! Thank goodness for the robe, which was more normal-sized, that I kept tied tightly around me. They took my medical history down (yet again) and gave me a small dose of Valium (which I really didn't want to do, but they assured me it was standard practice, that it would relax me, but more, that it would relax all of the lady parts that they'd be messing with, and if that would help our chances, then Valium it was). Then onto the wheely bed and down to pre-op. I was really glad when I figured out that the Valium wasn't making me a...

Here's the before and after shot from last Friday's egg retrieval. I love how the main difference in the two pictures is the presence of toast (or lack thereof). I guess this is your visual proof that my retrieval was uneventful and that I tolerated the sedation well. :) We left the house before 6:00 a.m., dropping Sam off at a friend's house (who would take him to daycare when it opened) on our way out. Our check-in time was 7:30 a.m. We got there just fine, checked in, and went up to the outpatient surgery floor, where I got all gowned up and IV-ed. We were all ready to go by about 8:20 a.m. And then we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally, around 9:30 a.m., they came to get me. I hopped up onto a wheely-bed, and they took me down to pre-surgery, where some nice nurses and a nice anesthesiologist all came to check in with me. And then more waiting. I was there about half an hour, during which time I did one of those "doze off and feel like I'm fal...

I spent fifteen minutes on hold this morning with a customer service rep from one specialty pharmacy, while she waited on hold with a different specialty pharmacy so that she could track down a fax number for me. It is a weird, weird world out there, where your health insurance plan can partner with a different company to provide you a prescription plan, and said prescription company owns at least two specialty pharmacies through which they handle medications that your local pharmacy wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, and sometimes those pharmacies get their information crossed, and sit on hold with each other to find you a stupid fax number. All this is to say that today's small (though unconfirmed) victory is that I found the right fax number for the right pharmacy so that the clinic can send in my order so that I can have meds in time to START OUR NEW ROUND OF IVF THIS FRIDAY! Yes, the time has come. I've been writing about it for a while now, because it has invo...

Two different families in the congregations have had babies this week. It's exciting! I consider every new baby these days a potential bff for Sam, and like to imagine all of these little ones growing up together, playing together, and going to school together. Yesterday, I was doing hospital visits and walked by the maternity ward. There was a brand new little baby girl hanging out in the nursery. So sweet. And I ran into one of the couples from church as they were on their way out after a weight check for their little one. My heart flashed back to Sam's birth and the first weeks of his life. The craziness of having this tiny little person in your care. Muddling through on little sleep and lots of nursing time. The excitement over all of the tiniest "firsts" of his existence. As I type, I have my almost five month old little man sitting in my lap, trying to eat my hand and getting drool all over EVERYTHING. He is absolutely content with life today, happy to be ...

I just came from the world's quickest and most boring OB appointment. In a good way. Antibiotics are magic, and so I feel 100% better than last week's unplanned sick appointment. Weight was good, blood pressure is still good and low, no swelling or pain or other alarming symptoms. Hedgehog is still head-down, but was hiding out a little bit which meant that picking up a heartbeat took a little bit of searching, which meant about ten seconds of panic on my part. But heartbeat, once found, was a solid 144. And as I sit here and write, I'm getting thumped pretty good, so keep reminding myself that there's no reason to be worried. My doctor blew in and out of the clinic for my appointment in scrubs, because he was tending to somebody in labor and delivery! Crazy crazy crazy to think that in a few weeks, that's going to be ME. Really, at this point, we are all just counting weeks. I hope that these appointments continue to be boring, and routine, and simply things ...

Finally got brave enough to tell my story on my all-purpose blog. Thought it was worth posting here as well! For the last five years of my life, something has been happening in the background. You've heard a lot in this space about my journey through seminary and internship, and my first years of being a pastor. You've heard about my family and some of my vacations, my love for baseball and knitting, my thoughts on dialogue and division, and my crazy idealism for the world we live in. Recently, because I've been busy, you've mostly gotten lots and lots of sermon transcripts. But behind all of this, for the last five years, Matt and I have been on a long journey to try to start a family. It has been quite a journey. A journey that has included frustration and tears, losses and medical interventions, countless needle-stabs and blood draws, surgeries (major and minor), and through it all, enough peace in our hearts to keep stepping forward, one day at a time, witho...

...this is what I look like right now! I'm 19 weeks as of yesterday, and maybe it's because of going on vacation, or maybe it's because I've started to sprout a little belly, but these last two weeks have flown by. We were in Key West during the crossover to week 18, and while we were on vacation, we (finally) announced our news to the general public: Jan 2005: We honeymooned in Key West to celebrate the start of our little two-person family. Jun 2013: We are vacationing in Key West to celebrate the END of being a TWO-person family... So, friends, we are rapidly approaching the halfway point of this pregnancy. I'm a week away from my mid-point ultrasound. It won't be the first picture of our little hedgehog - I have the ultrasound picture from embryo transfer day, where he/she isn't even a little dot, and I have a picture from 7 weeks, where he/she looks like a peanut. But it will be our first ultrasound where baby looks like a baby. And then a wee...

I fret and I worry and I get all doom and gloom in the hours leading up to each appointment. And then, they check me out, and all is great. So we had our next regular OB appointment this morning. Here's the run-down. After last time, when I hadn't gained any weight between my first two OB appointments, today my weight is up an appropriate amount from last time; 135ish last month to 139ish this month. Amazing that in any other time of my life, a swing of four pounds wouldn't seem like anything to blink at. I'd probably write it off as normal fluctuation throughout a month. But when you're on baby watch, every pound seems significant, in a good way! When my doctor had me lay back on the table to check the heartbeat, he noticed that I'd sprouted a little belly! There was a good, strong heartbeat, easy and quick to find, measured at 160bpm, which is spot on. Have I mentioned that I could listen to the swish-swish-swish of the baby's heartbeat all day and n...

Last Tuesday (April 2), I went for my second OB ultrasound. According to the date of my transfer, I was 6w3d. And lo and behold, they found a teensy little baby measuring 6w2d with a HEARTBEAT! 113bpm, which is totally normal for being just over six weeks. So awesome. So very awesome. For the last week, I've felt sort of pregnant, but a lot myself. Like, boobs are sometimes sore, and they seem huge to me, and there's plenty of bloat going on in my belly. But aside from being crazy tired, no other symptoms. This past weekend, I crossed the 7 week mark. Today, I feel not so pregnant. And I'm not worried, per se, but I am totally conscious of every little thing my body does. Kind of crampy throughout the morning and early afternoon, which is either totally normal or totally not normal, so I'm trying to keep a level head. My next ultrasound is tomorrow. I want to see a baby. One that has grown appropriately over the last week. One that still has a heartbeat. One wit...

Today was my first ultrasound. Well, I suppose that's not true. I had both kinds of ultrasound in the hospital while the were diagnosing my ectopic pregnancy. I had countless monitoring ultrasounds through our two fresh IVF cycles, and plenty of monitoring ultrasounds during all of our FET cycles. I scheduled a "first ultrasound" during our last pregnancy, which ended up being a diagnostic ultrasound to confirm a miscarriage. So today was not my first ultrasound. But it was my first "I'm pregnant" ultrasound. I was a mess when I woke up this morning. I just felt sick and shaky and tired, an odd mix of adrenaline and dread. Matt's out of town, so I was going alone to the appointment. It was a long appointment. Both kinds of ultrasound. The tech was slow and thorough, and very kind. But since I was doing this through a hospital radiology department and not at my RE's office, the very sweet ultrasound tech didn't (couldn't) tell me anyth...

" THE VISITATION " by Fergal of Claddagh, on Flickr In those days Mary set out and went with haste to a Judean town in the hill country, where she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the child leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and exclaimed with a loud cry, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. And why has this happened to me, that the mother of my Lord comes to me? For as soon as I heard the sound of your greeting, the child in my womb leaped for joy. And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her by the Lord." And Mary said, "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked with favor on the lowliness of his servant. Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for the Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his na...

I just got off the phone with my RE's office, taking care of three items of business that are all big in their own ways. I called in to get things started for another frozen transfer cycle. No sense in waiting. So just like that, we are onto another cycle of meds and blood draws and ultrasounds leading up to a fourth embryo transfer. I want to feel hopeful, but right now, I can only assume that this cycle will end up like all three of the others. I mean, a lot of me is pressing forward because hey, we have at least six good embryos frozen and it'd be a shame not to go ahead and keep trying. I know that I'll bounce back, but right now, I'll admit that I have a pretty lousy attitude going into this cycle, even if I passionately want to press ahead and do it. So related to this, I also scheduled a consult with my RE to ask the same question I asked last time, "Is there anything that we should be looking for, or anything we should do differently, or any possib...

Forty-six percent. That was the possibility that we would get pregnant transferring two embryos (blastocysts, if you want to be accurate). In those first few days after our transfer, with those two little dudes trying to figure out how and whether to stick around, I thought about how good a near-fifty percent chance was. My glass was definitely half-full . In those first 24 hours, I felt sure and terrified that we'd end up with twins, because if they put two of them in there, of course two of them would stick around, right? As the week went on, I felt the shift in my soul, from the glass being half-full to the glass just being, well, half-something. Not half-full. Not half-empty. Just half. I realized that there was just as big of a chance of us not getting pregnant as there was of us getting pregnant. But I yet continued to remind myself that in nature, if you're doing this whole "let's get pregnant" thing the old-fashioned way, you have around a th...

This is the quiet space after all of the injections and early mornings at the surgery center are over. This is the quiet space where, upon reflection, that first night of self-injections seems to be three months ago instead of just three weeks. And all of those blood draws and ultrasounds barely seem real. This is the quiet space after eggs and embryos and blastocysts and retrievals and transfers. This is the quiet space where there is nothing else to do but wait. Wait quietly and wonder what's going on with those two little dudes, and wondering if either of them have decided to stick around. This is the quiet space where I keep wondering if I feel different at all...if there are any weird twinges, or if I'm more tired or usual, or if I'm sleeping worse or dreaming more or feeling sick.... This is the quiet space of counting days as they pass so slowly toward Friday's blood draw, which will give me some sort of news, hopefully good. A space to fill days wit...

Just shy of three weeks ago we were here: So many meds! Needles... And vials, and a sharps container... And an injection pen... And then this morning... Matt looks like an astronaut... And we are all smiley as we head in for our embryo transfer!! So this morning, we transferred two day-five blastocysts, both having come through their preimplantation genetic diagnosis looking great! And then a third blast also came through PGD looking great, so that one is all set to be frozen for a future cycle, and there is one other blast that they sent off for testing this morning, and if that one looks good, they'll freeze that one as well! Beyond that, there are two iffy embryos that don't look promising, but that are still growing, so my RE will keep an eye on them as well. This news was a huge relief after last night, when I got an email from Dr. Morris telling me that three embryos had reached blastocyst stage and were sent off for genetic testing, but t...

Annunciation by Madeleine L'Engle To the impossible: Yes! Enter and penetrate O Spirit. Come and bless This hour: the star is late. Only the absurdity of love Can break the bonds of hate. After Annunciation by Madeleine L'Engle This is the irrational season When love blooms bright and wild. Had Mary been filled with reason There'd have been no room for the child.

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary. And he came to her and said, "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you." But she was much perplexed by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. The angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end." Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, since I am a virgin?" The angel said to her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will ...

A couple weeks ago - the Monday before Thanksgiving - Matt and I met with a RE for an initial consult to talk about IVF and how we might move forward. The very first thing he said to us after all of our initial introductions and handshakes was, "Well. You've had a rough go of it, haven't you?" So very kind. He put us right at ease, which was a good thing, since the next half-hour or so was filled with an overwhelming amount of information. The most detail-oriented part of the conversation was also the least interesting. He gave us all of the details about what an IVF cycle entails, but Matt and I have been doing enough reading about it that we basically knew all of this information before we walked in the door. More interesting - and overwhelming - was talk of success rates, insurance, money, and schedule. I was a little worried when we walked in that part of the consult would be us having to make a case for why we thought IVF was the right move for us. Be...

The very first words I typed today, just a few minutes past sunrise, were these: "If there were any doubt that God still works miracles, the last 12 hours are proof that he does..." Adelaide Zoe was born on Thursday, September 8, 2011, to my good friends Dawn and Brian. An adorable and sweet little girl for two wonderfully deserving people. That following Monday, however, I got a phone call from Dawn, who was crying so hard she could barely speak. Through a ridiculously fortunate series of events, the doctors had just discovered that Adelaide had a serious heart defect - hypoplastic left heart syndrome , to be exact. This meant that she was born with a severely underdeveloped left ventricle, and would need a series of three surgeries to "fix" it. And by "fix," I mean rewire the heart so that the right ventricle would take over all heart function. (You can read about the series of procedures here , here , and here .) The first of the surgeries too...