A couple weeks ago - the Monday before Thanksgiving - Matt and I met with a RE for an initial consult to talk about IVF and how we might move forward.
The very first thing he said to us after all of our initial introductions and handshakes was, "Well. You've had a rough go of it, haven't you?" So very kind. He put us right at ease, which was a good thing, since the next half-hour or so was filled with an overwhelming amount of information.
The most detail-oriented part of the conversation was also the least interesting. He gave us all of the details about what an IVF cycle entails, but Matt and I have been doing enough reading about it that we basically knew all of this information before we walked in the door.
More interesting - and overwhelming - was talk of success rates, insurance, money, and schedule. I was a little worried when we walked in that part of the consult would be us having to make a case for why we thought IVF was the right move for us. Because I figure that, for many couples facing unexplained or undiagnosed infertility, much of the consult conversation deals with options, and which options to try first, and whether IVF is a first or last resort.
But Matt and I know that it is our only option. Dr. Morris didn't do anything to dissuade us. He offered no argument against doing IVF and not some lesser procedure first. He did let us know that trying on our own wasn't impossible, and that another ectopic wasn't a foregone conclusion...but seemed to agree with my surgeon and with the two of us that IVF was a better option than taking the risk.
He wants to do a few tests - icky blood tests, and an icky HSG - to make sure that he has all the information possible to make this a success. But he was ready to go as soon as we give the green light. Ha, he was willing to jump on in and get a whole cycle done before Christmas, which was an absolute non-starter for us. Too much going on in December, too much stress. He was willing to start a cycle right around Christmas, but I decided that I didn't want to have to do my first self-injection on Christmas Day, nor would it work to travel to NJ while they were still needing to monitor me and while I was still doing injections. So we're just sitting on things until January.
Kind of nice, really, to think about starting off 2012 with this sense of possibility and hope.
At the same time, though, the waiting is driving me a little crazy. Ever since September 27, we've been in waiting-mode. Waiting to heal, waiting for our RE appointment, waiting until a good time to start the IVF cycle, anticipating tests and interventions that scare the crud out of me, anticipating the terrifying moment when I have to stick myself with a needle, waiting to see if it worked, waiting to see if a positive pregnancy test results in a real baby...
The worst part of this current stretch of waiting is that we are simply sitting, twiddling our thumbs. There's no more active trying for us. We just simply have to wait until it is January and we can start a cycle. The fruitless waiting is emotionally exhausted.
Advent is all about waiting, I get that. I usually love Advent because of this idea of expectant waiting; I romanticize it. But this year, Advent reminds me of how hard it is to wait. The message in Advent for me this year is that waiting stinks, but that we are patient anyway. Waiting for good news, waiting for God's good news, waiting for fulfillment of promise - it is hard to wait. It is hard to wait when you've been through so much, and have already been waiting for so long. It is hard to wait when you know that there are still no guarantees. But I have to keep trusting that there's a promise out there for me, and that it will be fulfilled, in its own time, in its own way.
So meanwhile, I sit here, on this gray December day, and I wait. And I pray for patience and sanity. And for the strength to keep hoping. :)
The very first thing he said to us after all of our initial introductions and handshakes was, "Well. You've had a rough go of it, haven't you?" So very kind. He put us right at ease, which was a good thing, since the next half-hour or so was filled with an overwhelming amount of information.
The most detail-oriented part of the conversation was also the least interesting. He gave us all of the details about what an IVF cycle entails, but Matt and I have been doing enough reading about it that we basically knew all of this information before we walked in the door.
More interesting - and overwhelming - was talk of success rates, insurance, money, and schedule. I was a little worried when we walked in that part of the consult would be us having to make a case for why we thought IVF was the right move for us. Because I figure that, for many couples facing unexplained or undiagnosed infertility, much of the consult conversation deals with options, and which options to try first, and whether IVF is a first or last resort.
But Matt and I know that it is our only option. Dr. Morris didn't do anything to dissuade us. He offered no argument against doing IVF and not some lesser procedure first. He did let us know that trying on our own wasn't impossible, and that another ectopic wasn't a foregone conclusion...but seemed to agree with my surgeon and with the two of us that IVF was a better option than taking the risk.
He wants to do a few tests - icky blood tests, and an icky HSG - to make sure that he has all the information possible to make this a success. But he was ready to go as soon as we give the green light. Ha, he was willing to jump on in and get a whole cycle done before Christmas, which was an absolute non-starter for us. Too much going on in December, too much stress. He was willing to start a cycle right around Christmas, but I decided that I didn't want to have to do my first self-injection on Christmas Day, nor would it work to travel to NJ while they were still needing to monitor me and while I was still doing injections. So we're just sitting on things until January.
Kind of nice, really, to think about starting off 2012 with this sense of possibility and hope.
At the same time, though, the waiting is driving me a little crazy. Ever since September 27, we've been in waiting-mode. Waiting to heal, waiting for our RE appointment, waiting until a good time to start the IVF cycle, anticipating tests and interventions that scare the crud out of me, anticipating the terrifying moment when I have to stick myself with a needle, waiting to see if it worked, waiting to see if a positive pregnancy test results in a real baby...
The worst part of this current stretch of waiting is that we are simply sitting, twiddling our thumbs. There's no more active trying for us. We just simply have to wait until it is January and we can start a cycle. The fruitless waiting is emotionally exhausted.
Advent is all about waiting, I get that. I usually love Advent because of this idea of expectant waiting; I romanticize it. But this year, Advent reminds me of how hard it is to wait. The message in Advent for me this year is that waiting stinks, but that we are patient anyway. Waiting for good news, waiting for God's good news, waiting for fulfillment of promise - it is hard to wait. It is hard to wait when you've been through so much, and have already been waiting for so long. It is hard to wait when you know that there are still no guarantees. But I have to keep trusting that there's a promise out there for me, and that it will be fulfilled, in its own time, in its own way.
So meanwhile, I sit here, on this gray December day, and I wait. And I pray for patience and sanity. And for the strength to keep hoping. :)
I know that waiting is hard. Our road has not been nearly as long or as rough as yours, and I'm getting tired of waiting. At least you have a plan to look forward to. Plans at least create a sense of forward thinking and hope. Best of luck!!!
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