A little crazy

Two different families in the congregations have had babies this week. It's exciting! I consider every new baby these days a potential bff for Sam, and like to imagine all of these little ones growing up together, playing together, and going to school together.

Yesterday, I was doing hospital visits and walked by the maternity ward. There was a brand new little baby girl hanging out in the nursery. So sweet. And I ran into one of the couples from church as they were on their way out after a weight check for their little one.

My heart flashed back to Sam's birth and the first weeks of his life. The craziness of having this tiny little person in your care. Muddling through on little sleep and lots of nursing time. The excitement over all of the tiniest "firsts" of his existence.

As I type, I have my almost five month old little man sitting in my lap, trying to eat my hand and getting drool all over EVERYTHING. He is absolutely content with life today, happy to be taking walks outside in the spring sunshine and happy for anybody - I mean, ANYBODY - to pay attention to him. He is strong and healthy, happy and sweet, funny and fun to be around. He is everything and more that I'd hoped for in becoming a mama.

And I'll be the first to admit that having a baby is a lot of work. I'm not sleeping enough and I'm eating way too much, and there are nights when I just want to throw my hands up in the air in some act of surrender to a crying baby who won't sleep. But that huge smile that greets me every morning helps. A lot. And I can't imagine what it must feel like to have multiple children. I try to imagine finding energy to have another little person or two running around in our house. It is a little absurd, when I think about it...

...and yet.

There is no doubt in my heart that I want to do this all over again. I want to be pregnant again (God willing). I want to have a second chance at a more normal end-game. I want to have a second go-around at having a newborn, now that I've done it once.

I want Sam to have a little somebody that he can be protective of, and build forts with, and ride bikes with, and share secrets with. Somebody to hand down his toys and clothes to. Somebody to help him chase the cats around. :)

It's not that Sam isn't enough. He is beautiful. He is perfect.

But I'm not ready to give up on having a bigger family.

And when I walked by that maternity ward, and as I celebrated with the parents of the new babies in our congregation, my heart swelled. I know that the journey to have Sam was long and difficult, and that the logistics of having another baby are even more difficult now that we live far away from any major city and hospital system and RE's office.

But my heart spoke up, loud and clear: let's do this again.

So I'm not sure quite what this means, other than having a big sit-down with my doctor at some point, and figuring out what a gameplan might look like. We have absolutely no timeline. It's not like we're rushing into this anytime soon. But despite how tired I am right now, and how steep (but lovely) the learning curve has been in navigating motherhood, career, being far from family support...I'm all in for doing this again.

It's a little crazy, I know.

But crazy is how I roll. Sam wouldn't be here if I weren't a little crazy. And a little stubborn. And a little lucky.

So crazy it is. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)