So here we are. It is August. It is absolutely crazy to me to think that almost exactly a year ago, I was starting Clomid and getting squeamish about the eventual "trigger shot" that they would have to give me and the handful of monitoring ultrasounds they'd have to do to pinpoint a date for that shot. Little did I know just how many shots, blood tests, and ultrasounds were ahead of me.
It's August, and now nearly three months since our failed FET cycle, and no, I still haven't called my RE to schedule a consult. To be fair, we did decide to take the summer off, at least until after all of our summer travels.
The logical parts of me feel certain that we will do another round of IVF (and, if we have enough embryos, another FET cycle), because...well...wouldn't it be silly not to? I mean, two rounds of "failure" this spring does not constitute Failure. Two rounds can yet be easily explained away in terms of bad luck. It hasn't worked yet, but two rounds is hardly a big enough test case to say that it will never work.
But the softer parts of me are less convinced. The softest parts of me just want a baby, just want to have a family, no matter how it happens, biological children or adopted children, no matter.
And even if I can't remember all of them well enough to list them here, this has been the summer of God pointing me, again and again, toward adoption. Everything from magazine articles about adoption that showed up at the exact right time to a meeting with a colleague from Lutheran Social Services of Illinois that was supposed to be about other programs that they offer, but a meeting that turned to the subjects of foster care and adoption anyway. I've been on a few church trips and to a few conferences/workshops this summer that continue to open my eyes to children, worldwide, who are in need, and that awaken in my heart the desire to offer myself to parentless children.
There is certainly a little tiny whisper of a voice that pops into my head every now and again, that says to me "You could always just give up on IVF and skip right ahead to adoption. You don't need to do all of the medical interventions if you don't want to."
And sometimes, that is a voice that I very much want to listen to. The thought of starting a new round of IVF exhausts me. All of the medicines and doctor's appointments and procedures. So many things to schedule, so much time and effort to give to the process. It might be a step-by-step process, but when I look ahead, I see all of those steps lumped together and it feels like so much. Not that adoption isn't full of its own set of steps and procedures and stresses.
So this is why I have a love/hate relationship with that word "discernment" right now. It is hard work to discern what the right decision is for us as far as IVF and adoption go. Hard and noble work, important work, but work that makes my heart very tired. I keep hoping that a clear answer will emerge to give us a clear path forward. But I fear that the decision will forever be a muddy one. And right now, I don't know whether I should call my doctor's office, call LSSI to set up an informational meeting, or call both of them. Or keep procrastinating and call neither...
It's August, and now nearly three months since our failed FET cycle, and no, I still haven't called my RE to schedule a consult. To be fair, we did decide to take the summer off, at least until after all of our summer travels.
The logical parts of me feel certain that we will do another round of IVF (and, if we have enough embryos, another FET cycle), because...well...wouldn't it be silly not to? I mean, two rounds of "failure" this spring does not constitute Failure. Two rounds can yet be easily explained away in terms of bad luck. It hasn't worked yet, but two rounds is hardly a big enough test case to say that it will never work.
But the softer parts of me are less convinced. The softest parts of me just want a baby, just want to have a family, no matter how it happens, biological children or adopted children, no matter.
And even if I can't remember all of them well enough to list them here, this has been the summer of God pointing me, again and again, toward adoption. Everything from magazine articles about adoption that showed up at the exact right time to a meeting with a colleague from Lutheran Social Services of Illinois that was supposed to be about other programs that they offer, but a meeting that turned to the subjects of foster care and adoption anyway. I've been on a few church trips and to a few conferences/workshops this summer that continue to open my eyes to children, worldwide, who are in need, and that awaken in my heart the desire to offer myself to parentless children.
There is certainly a little tiny whisper of a voice that pops into my head every now and again, that says to me "You could always just give up on IVF and skip right ahead to adoption. You don't need to do all of the medical interventions if you don't want to."
And sometimes, that is a voice that I very much want to listen to. The thought of starting a new round of IVF exhausts me. All of the medicines and doctor's appointments and procedures. So many things to schedule, so much time and effort to give to the process. It might be a step-by-step process, but when I look ahead, I see all of those steps lumped together and it feels like so much. Not that adoption isn't full of its own set of steps and procedures and stresses.
So this is why I have a love/hate relationship with that word "discernment" right now. It is hard work to discern what the right decision is for us as far as IVF and adoption go. Hard and noble work, important work, but work that makes my heart very tired. I keep hoping that a clear answer will emerge to give us a clear path forward. But I fear that the decision will forever be a muddy one. And right now, I don't know whether I should call my doctor's office, call LSSI to set up an informational meeting, or call both of them. Or keep procrastinating and call neither...
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