Laughing with Sarah

Today was my first ultrasound. Well, I suppose that's not true. I had both kinds of ultrasound in the hospital while the were diagnosing my ectopic pregnancy. I had countless monitoring ultrasounds through our two fresh IVF cycles, and plenty of monitoring ultrasounds during all of our FET cycles. I scheduled a "first ultrasound" during our last pregnancy, which ended up being a diagnostic ultrasound to confirm a miscarriage. So today was not my first ultrasound. But it was my first "I'm pregnant" ultrasound. I was a mess when I woke up this morning. I just felt sick and shaky and tired, an odd mix of adrenaline and dread. Matt's out of town, so I was going alone to the appointment. It was a long appointment. Both kinds of ultrasound. The tech was slow and thorough, and very kind. But since I was doing this through a hospital radiology department and not at my RE's office, the very sweet ultrasound tech didn't (couldn't) tell me anyth...

Anybody out there have advice as to how to keep THE CRAZY at bay? It hasn't even been a week since learning that I was pregnant, and I am already going out of my mind. I constantly think about whether my boobs are as sore as they were yesterday, or if I am feeling more cramping, or if I'm too tired or not tired enough. My heart races every time I use the bathroom because I'm sure I'm going to find bleeding. As I type this, well, WOW, how's that for a lot of TMI...but if you've been there, you know what I mean. Every day, I am sure that THIS will be the day that I'll lose this pregnancy, and every night, instead of feeling thankful for making it through another day, I feel anxious about what the next day might bring. I hope against hope that my crazy brain will quiet down after Monday morning's ultrasound. I'm going to be a huge ball of nerves between now and then. All three of my losses have been early. Within the first week and a half of knowing...

Second beta this morning. Came back at 320 after an initial beta of 80 on Friday. Doubling time of 36 hours. The nurse who called deemed my number "great," so I'm feeling happy. I go in and out of feeling vaguely pregnant. Some cramping sometimes. Some boob soreness sometimes. Some fatigue sometimes. But no patterns, and everything comes and goes. My parents are visiting, and I couldn't help myself after getting the nurse's call today, so we told them. But they are amazing, and totally understand our "cautiously optimistic" feelings. It's hard to get too excited when you've only managed three other pregnancies over five years, and all of those were losses. But somehow telling them helps me believe it a little better, and lets me feel a little more excited. I'm working hard to take every day at a time, and every morning that I'm not bleeding, I say to myself "no matter what tomorrow brings, TODAY I am pregnant, and that is AWES...

Been a little quiet around here. Flying a bit under the radar. Let's get caught up, shall we? First, I knit a hedgehog. I named him Lucky. Next, I put on a pair of these, which I might also have deemed "lucky." Then, Lucky and my lucky socks came with me here: And today, eight days later, THIS happened: Yup. A little bit pregnant. Given my history, I really want to type that sentence as "a little bit pregnant...at least for now." But I've only known this information for an hour. So I'm going to let myself be happy and excited, the best I can! No sense getting all dreary. Because HELLO! This is crazy awesome news! I have crossed from "pregnant until proven otherwise" to squarely "pregnant." Woohoo! Sorry for doing a FET and not saying much about it. It's nice to be sneaky sometimes.

Lots of things rattling around in my head right now. I finished at St. Timothy a week ago, so I am in a weird, three-week "unemployed" stretch of time. I'm wasting an incredible amount of that time. Lots of internet and TV and not NEARLY enough knitting. Or packing the apartment to move. I think that decompressing after leaving a church takes more emotional energy than you think it does, and it wipes out your powers of concentration and motivation. We just got back from taking a long weekend to go house-hunting in our new town. We're scrambling to make offers on our favorite houses, since we already lost out on one back in January. Lots of thinking about money. And thinking about what kind of house we want and what kind we "deserve," and what it would look like for us, a young childless couple, to buy a beautiful four-bedroom house with full finished basement...especially when plenty of families with kids are living in far smaller homes. Maybe nob...