Otherwise you'd cry.
7:30 a.m.: While snuggling with Ellie in bed and feeling grateful that it is Friday (my day off), I realize that Sam is still quiet, and wonder if I should wake him up or let him keep sleeping. It was a late bedtime last night, and very frustrating, and the boy needs his sleep. Except that Matt is about to leave for work, and if I am going to start the morning routine, it might be better to get Sam up now while there are two of us grown-ups.
7:50 a.m.: Wake Sam up. (This was my first mistake). He wakes up happy, and sleepily jumps out of bed to put on clothes because he is excited to go to Magpie for breakfast, like we do every Friday. He tells me that he is going to order a yogurt parfait. Before getting dressed, Sam asks me to read him a book. So I do. Then he asks me to read another book. So I do.
8:00 a.m.: Realize that I really really have to use the bathroom. Sam asks me to read him a third book, and I tell him that I will do it as soon as I am done using the bathroom. This is unacceptable to him. I get up anyway (because when you have to pee, you have to pee!). He follows me into the bathroom and demands that I read him the book while sitting on the toilet.
8:03 a.m. I flush the toilet and wash my hands. Sam FREAKS OUT and demands that I sit back down to read his book. I sit on the closed toilet seat to read to him. He pulls me up and demands that I lift the seat and resume using the bathroom, and only then am I qualified to read to him. I reject his offer.
8:05 a.m.: Here begins the worlds longest argument about why Mama didn't read Sam his book while she was on the potty. I offer to read it to him in his room. Or in the big bed in our room. He keeps insisting that he wanted me to read it "the first time," meaning, when he first asked me. Ellie starts to fuss because she has a wet diaper. I try to change it. Sam takes the clean diaper out of my hand and says that I can't change her. We argue about that for a bit. Then Sam revisits the "I wanted you to read the book the first time!" refrain. I hastily change Ellie's diaper while Sam isn't looking. When Sam notices, he cries and says that I have to put her wet diaper back on. I sit in bed and start to feed Ellie because she's probably hungry, and I'm waiting out the current impasse with Sam anyway. Sam yells at me and tells me that Ellie isn't hungry. And that he wanted me to read him the book the first time. And then he hits me. Not hard. But intentionally. Over and over again. I threaten to call Matt at work, which Sam Does. Not. Want. Sam keeps yelling at me and I grab my phone to call Matt for real. I get to the FaceTime screen and Sam goes to grab the phone. I swat Sam away and in my haste, make the call, except that I hit the wrong button and call Matt's father in New Jersey instead. Sam hangs up on him before I have time to explain what is going on. I switch Ellie to the other side and Sam yells at me saying that Ellie is done eating and that he should be sitting in my lap instead. He sits on his sister's head. I threaten, for the tenth or twelfth time, that our Magpie breakfast outing is for nice boys who are good listeners and that he isn't being nice or a good listener, so we are just going to stay home. This news does not please him. I finish feeding Ellie and Sam takes over my lap as soon as I put her down on the bed next to me. He whimpers some more, and then lets me read him the book. And then asks me to read it again. And promises that he is going to be nice and a good listener.
9:05 a.m. Sam and I go into his room to pick out clothes for him to wear. It's going to be 82 degrees out, so I suggest shorts and a short-sleeved t-shirt. He counters with long pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. I counter with shorts and a long-sleeved t-shirt. We argue. I get Ellie dressed in the meantime - in a short-sleeved onesie and shorts! Sam continues to argue.
9:15 a.m.: I take Ellie and walk downstairs with my towel and robe. I put her in her bouncy seat and take a shower. Sam stays upstairs. I shower, all the while worrying that Ellie is going to fall out of her seat or that Sam is going to pull his dresser over onto himself while I am selfishly showering. After about three minutes under the nice hot water, I get over my worry and my guilt and decide that the kids are fine, and I deserve a nice shower because, hey, the morning has been nutty.
9:30 a.m.: Finish my shower, confirm that Ellie is (of course) just fine, and head upstairs. Sam is in the upstairs hallway, petting Hildegard, who is basking in a sunbeam. Sam smiles at me. I ask him if the angry monster has gone away and he says yes. We go into his room, and he says that he is going to wear shorts, and asks me if his favorite shorts are clean. I tell him that I don't know. He fishes through his drawer, disappointed that he cannot find them. Things threaten to escalate, but he holds it together, picks out another pair of shorts, lets me pick out a long-sleeved t-shirt, and we get dressed. He chooses to wear big boy undies, and promises me that if he has to use the potty, he will tell me and not have an accident. We go downstairs and get packed up to leave, without much incident.
9:45 a.m.: We get to the garage only to realize that I have left the stroller in the back of Matt's car, so we can't walk to breakfast. We have to drive instead. Sam insists that I put sunscreen on him, and we all get in the car.
9:55 a.m.: We get to Magpie, order breakfast, and all is well. Magpie is a little crowded and loud, which is more chaos than my spirit really needs at this point, and I feel a big headache coming on, so I gulp my coffee in an attempt to fend off a migraine with caffeine. Sam insists that he does not need to use the potty, no matter how many times I ask. Ellie is happy but spirited and wants to be held. She tries to grab at my food. But it's ok. Because we are all happy. Sam reiterates that the angry monster is gone - that he has gone back into his cave and is now eating cereal for breakfast and that he won't come back ever. Sam finishes his breakfast and goes to play with some toys in the corner.
10:35 a.m.: Ellie is bouncing around in my lap happily. Sam comes over and gives me The Look. The "I have pooped in my underwear look." Awesome. I can't put Ellie into her seat without screaming, so I just carry her on my hip, grab my purse, which has wipes in it, and haul Sam into the bathroom. I realize, once in there, that the pull-up I brought along in case of such an event is not in my purse, but rather in the car. I change Ellie's wet diaper and then balance her on my leg as I squat down and help Sam pull off his shorts and poopy underwear, and try to keep Ellie from grabbing anything gross as I dump things into the toilet, and wipe Sam down, and then try to use toilet paper to get all the poop off of his underwear so that I can eventually rinse it off. I don't have a wet bag, so I wrap the wet undies in paper towels. I put Sam's shorts back on him (without anything underneath) and figure that we will put his pull-up on in the car or at the library.
10:55 a.m.: Leave Magpie. Walk to the car. Sam says that he is going to sleep in the car all the way to the library. Which is exactly 1.5 blocks away. We drive to the library and I tell Sam that the very first thing we will do at the library is to march into the bathroom and put on his pull-up. He agrees. And follows through. Things seem to be looking up! We discuss the possibility of going to the pool later in the afternoon, because it is HOT outside. I tell him that if we go, it will be after lunchtime and nap time.
11:10 a.m.: Ellie is sleeping in her seat. Sam and I do some arts and crafts. Sam spontaneously looks at me and says, "I will tell you if I need to use the potty. When you set a potty alarm, I will listen and I will do what you ask me without arguing. And when you tell me it is time to go home, I will be nice and listen." I give him a zillion hugs and tell him I love him. Because he is actually one seriously sweet kid.
11:55 a.m.: It's been a good time at the library. Sam did some crafts, went to the potty when I asked, picked out books, and was compliant when I said it was time to pack up and leave. Yay!
12:05 p.m.: Arrive at the grocery store to buy fruit for smoothies for lunch, plus a few other necessary items. Sam pushes his tiny cart and is a little silly, but well-behaved.
12:20 p.m.: Arrive at the checkout line, which contains a whole fleet of lollipops with push-button, light-up helicopters on top. Sam refuses to push his cart or move out of the way of my cart, because he is too busy playing. Somehow we manage to check out without me running him over. He asks me if he can get one of those the next time we are shopping. I tell him probably not.
12:30 p.m.: Home! Sam goes inside to play while I bring in the groceries and start to assemble lunch.
12:45 p.m.: Lunch is served. Smoothie, applesauce, goldfish crackers, cheese. Sam comes out of the playroom when I call him to the table, and gives me The Look again. Poopy pull-up. We go upstairs and I change him. Ellie starts screaming downstairs, still in her car seat.
12:55 p.m.: We go downstairs and I pull Ellie out of her car seat, and find myself with a hand full of poop. Baby diaper blowout. Because, of course. Sam settles himself at the table and begins to eat while I clean Ellie up and change her out of her poopy clothes. I don't have any spare clothes for her downstairs and I don't want to go upstairs again right now, so I just leave her in a clean diaper and bring her over to the table with me. She nurses half-heartedly while I eat some lunch.
1:15 p.m.: Ellie is squirmy, so I take a chance and put her down in the living room on the floor with toys. She is happy. I finish lunch and do a first wipe-down of her car seat. Sam finishes his lunch and asks if he can play while I clean up the kitchen. Fine. I sweep the kitchen and clean the counters and am starting to feel in control of the day. I ask Sam to check in on Ellie. He tells me that she is fine. He then comes over to me and gives me The Look. Yup. Another poopy pull-up. I escort him to the stairs and notice that Ellie has rolled all the way across the living room. And that she is NOT WEARING A DIAPER. And that her little body is COVERED IN POOP. I ask, rhetorically, "What happened to her diaper? Who took it off?" Sam insists that he didn't take it off. He also though says that there was a poopy diaper on the floor that he had thrown away. I give him this look like, "you knew that Ellie had managed to take off her own poopy diaper and you didn't think to tell me??" And then I clean Ellie off, put a diaper back on her, and march Sam upstairs.
1:30 p.m.: I go upstairs, put new clothes on Ellie, then change Sam's pull-up and he picks out three books to read for nap time. Once again, things seem stable.
1:50 p.m.: All three of us are settled into Sam's bed, listening to a Veggie Tales CD. Ellie nurses, sleepy Sam lays next to me. I pray that nap time will come quickly.
2:00 p.m.: Sam is still awake.
2:30 p.m.: Sam is still awake. He argues with me when I ask him to close his eyes and sleep.
3:00 p.m.: Sam is still awake. He says that he wants to go to the pool. I tell him that we are NOT going to the pool. He asks me why not. I tell him that the pool is for boys who take naps, boys who don't poop in their underwear, and boys who are nice. He admits that he has not been any of those things. And then says, "But I want to go to the pool!"
3:15 p.m.: I give up on naptime and head downstairs. Sam does not follow. I put Ellie down in her bouncy seat. I find myself some chocolate.
This is me, eating chocolate.
I love my kids so much.
But today? You've got to be kidding me.
You have to laugh.
Otherwise you might cry.
7:30 a.m.: While snuggling with Ellie in bed and feeling grateful that it is Friday (my day off), I realize that Sam is still quiet, and wonder if I should wake him up or let him keep sleeping. It was a late bedtime last night, and very frustrating, and the boy needs his sleep. Except that Matt is about to leave for work, and if I am going to start the morning routine, it might be better to get Sam up now while there are two of us grown-ups.
7:50 a.m.: Wake Sam up. (This was my first mistake). He wakes up happy, and sleepily jumps out of bed to put on clothes because he is excited to go to Magpie for breakfast, like we do every Friday. He tells me that he is going to order a yogurt parfait. Before getting dressed, Sam asks me to read him a book. So I do. Then he asks me to read another book. So I do.
8:00 a.m.: Realize that I really really have to use the bathroom. Sam asks me to read him a third book, and I tell him that I will do it as soon as I am done using the bathroom. This is unacceptable to him. I get up anyway (because when you have to pee, you have to pee!). He follows me into the bathroom and demands that I read him the book while sitting on the toilet.
8:03 a.m. I flush the toilet and wash my hands. Sam FREAKS OUT and demands that I sit back down to read his book. I sit on the closed toilet seat to read to him. He pulls me up and demands that I lift the seat and resume using the bathroom, and only then am I qualified to read to him. I reject his offer.
8:05 a.m.: Here begins the worlds longest argument about why Mama didn't read Sam his book while she was on the potty. I offer to read it to him in his room. Or in the big bed in our room. He keeps insisting that he wanted me to read it "the first time," meaning, when he first asked me. Ellie starts to fuss because she has a wet diaper. I try to change it. Sam takes the clean diaper out of my hand and says that I can't change her. We argue about that for a bit. Then Sam revisits the "I wanted you to read the book the first time!" refrain. I hastily change Ellie's diaper while Sam isn't looking. When Sam notices, he cries and says that I have to put her wet diaper back on. I sit in bed and start to feed Ellie because she's probably hungry, and I'm waiting out the current impasse with Sam anyway. Sam yells at me and tells me that Ellie isn't hungry. And that he wanted me to read him the book the first time. And then he hits me. Not hard. But intentionally. Over and over again. I threaten to call Matt at work, which Sam Does. Not. Want. Sam keeps yelling at me and I grab my phone to call Matt for real. I get to the FaceTime screen and Sam goes to grab the phone. I swat Sam away and in my haste, make the call, except that I hit the wrong button and call Matt's father in New Jersey instead. Sam hangs up on him before I have time to explain what is going on. I switch Ellie to the other side and Sam yells at me saying that Ellie is done eating and that he should be sitting in my lap instead. He sits on his sister's head. I threaten, for the tenth or twelfth time, that our Magpie breakfast outing is for nice boys who are good listeners and that he isn't being nice or a good listener, so we are just going to stay home. This news does not please him. I finish feeding Ellie and Sam takes over my lap as soon as I put her down on the bed next to me. He whimpers some more, and then lets me read him the book. And then asks me to read it again. And promises that he is going to be nice and a good listener.
9:05 a.m. Sam and I go into his room to pick out clothes for him to wear. It's going to be 82 degrees out, so I suggest shorts and a short-sleeved t-shirt. He counters with long pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. I counter with shorts and a long-sleeved t-shirt. We argue. I get Ellie dressed in the meantime - in a short-sleeved onesie and shorts! Sam continues to argue.
9:15 a.m.: I take Ellie and walk downstairs with my towel and robe. I put her in her bouncy seat and take a shower. Sam stays upstairs. I shower, all the while worrying that Ellie is going to fall out of her seat or that Sam is going to pull his dresser over onto himself while I am selfishly showering. After about three minutes under the nice hot water, I get over my worry and my guilt and decide that the kids are fine, and I deserve a nice shower because, hey, the morning has been nutty.
9:30 a.m.: Finish my shower, confirm that Ellie is (of course) just fine, and head upstairs. Sam is in the upstairs hallway, petting Hildegard, who is basking in a sunbeam. Sam smiles at me. I ask him if the angry monster has gone away and he says yes. We go into his room, and he says that he is going to wear shorts, and asks me if his favorite shorts are clean. I tell him that I don't know. He fishes through his drawer, disappointed that he cannot find them. Things threaten to escalate, but he holds it together, picks out another pair of shorts, lets me pick out a long-sleeved t-shirt, and we get dressed. He chooses to wear big boy undies, and promises me that if he has to use the potty, he will tell me and not have an accident. We go downstairs and get packed up to leave, without much incident.
9:45 a.m.: We get to the garage only to realize that I have left the stroller in the back of Matt's car, so we can't walk to breakfast. We have to drive instead. Sam insists that I put sunscreen on him, and we all get in the car.
9:55 a.m.: We get to Magpie, order breakfast, and all is well. Magpie is a little crowded and loud, which is more chaos than my spirit really needs at this point, and I feel a big headache coming on, so I gulp my coffee in an attempt to fend off a migraine with caffeine. Sam insists that he does not need to use the potty, no matter how many times I ask. Ellie is happy but spirited and wants to be held. She tries to grab at my food. But it's ok. Because we are all happy. Sam reiterates that the angry monster is gone - that he has gone back into his cave and is now eating cereal for breakfast and that he won't come back ever. Sam finishes his breakfast and goes to play with some toys in the corner.
10:35 a.m.: Ellie is bouncing around in my lap happily. Sam comes over and gives me The Look. The "I have pooped in my underwear look." Awesome. I can't put Ellie into her seat without screaming, so I just carry her on my hip, grab my purse, which has wipes in it, and haul Sam into the bathroom. I realize, once in there, that the pull-up I brought along in case of such an event is not in my purse, but rather in the car. I change Ellie's wet diaper and then balance her on my leg as I squat down and help Sam pull off his shorts and poopy underwear, and try to keep Ellie from grabbing anything gross as I dump things into the toilet, and wipe Sam down, and then try to use toilet paper to get all the poop off of his underwear so that I can eventually rinse it off. I don't have a wet bag, so I wrap the wet undies in paper towels. I put Sam's shorts back on him (without anything underneath) and figure that we will put his pull-up on in the car or at the library.
10:55 a.m.: Leave Magpie. Walk to the car. Sam says that he is going to sleep in the car all the way to the library. Which is exactly 1.5 blocks away. We drive to the library and I tell Sam that the very first thing we will do at the library is to march into the bathroom and put on his pull-up. He agrees. And follows through. Things seem to be looking up! We discuss the possibility of going to the pool later in the afternoon, because it is HOT outside. I tell him that if we go, it will be after lunchtime and nap time.
11:10 a.m.: Ellie is sleeping in her seat. Sam and I do some arts and crafts. Sam spontaneously looks at me and says, "I will tell you if I need to use the potty. When you set a potty alarm, I will listen and I will do what you ask me without arguing. And when you tell me it is time to go home, I will be nice and listen." I give him a zillion hugs and tell him I love him. Because he is actually one seriously sweet kid.
11:55 a.m.: It's been a good time at the library. Sam did some crafts, went to the potty when I asked, picked out books, and was compliant when I said it was time to pack up and leave. Yay!
12:05 p.m.: Arrive at the grocery store to buy fruit for smoothies for lunch, plus a few other necessary items. Sam pushes his tiny cart and is a little silly, but well-behaved.
12:20 p.m.: Arrive at the checkout line, which contains a whole fleet of lollipops with push-button, light-up helicopters on top. Sam refuses to push his cart or move out of the way of my cart, because he is too busy playing. Somehow we manage to check out without me running him over. He asks me if he can get one of those the next time we are shopping. I tell him probably not.
12:30 p.m.: Home! Sam goes inside to play while I bring in the groceries and start to assemble lunch.
12:45 p.m.: Lunch is served. Smoothie, applesauce, goldfish crackers, cheese. Sam comes out of the playroom when I call him to the table, and gives me The Look again. Poopy pull-up. We go upstairs and I change him. Ellie starts screaming downstairs, still in her car seat.
12:55 p.m.: We go downstairs and I pull Ellie out of her car seat, and find myself with a hand full of poop. Baby diaper blowout. Because, of course. Sam settles himself at the table and begins to eat while I clean Ellie up and change her out of her poopy clothes. I don't have any spare clothes for her downstairs and I don't want to go upstairs again right now, so I just leave her in a clean diaper and bring her over to the table with me. She nurses half-heartedly while I eat some lunch.
1:15 p.m.: Ellie is squirmy, so I take a chance and put her down in the living room on the floor with toys. She is happy. I finish lunch and do a first wipe-down of her car seat. Sam finishes his lunch and asks if he can play while I clean up the kitchen. Fine. I sweep the kitchen and clean the counters and am starting to feel in control of the day. I ask Sam to check in on Ellie. He tells me that she is fine. He then comes over to me and gives me The Look. Yup. Another poopy pull-up. I escort him to the stairs and notice that Ellie has rolled all the way across the living room. And that she is NOT WEARING A DIAPER. And that her little body is COVERED IN POOP. I ask, rhetorically, "What happened to her diaper? Who took it off?" Sam insists that he didn't take it off. He also though says that there was a poopy diaper on the floor that he had thrown away. I give him this look like, "you knew that Ellie had managed to take off her own poopy diaper and you didn't think to tell me??" And then I clean Ellie off, put a diaper back on her, and march Sam upstairs.
1:30 p.m.: I go upstairs, put new clothes on Ellie, then change Sam's pull-up and he picks out three books to read for nap time. Once again, things seem stable.
1:50 p.m.: All three of us are settled into Sam's bed, listening to a Veggie Tales CD. Ellie nurses, sleepy Sam lays next to me. I pray that nap time will come quickly.
2:00 p.m.: Sam is still awake.
2:30 p.m.: Sam is still awake. He argues with me when I ask him to close his eyes and sleep.
3:00 p.m.: Sam is still awake. He says that he wants to go to the pool. I tell him that we are NOT going to the pool. He asks me why not. I tell him that the pool is for boys who take naps, boys who don't poop in their underwear, and boys who are nice. He admits that he has not been any of those things. And then says, "But I want to go to the pool!"
3:15 p.m.: I give up on naptime and head downstairs. Sam does not follow. I put Ellie down in her bouncy seat. I find myself some chocolate.
This is me, eating chocolate.
I love my kids so much.
But today? You've got to be kidding me.
You have to laugh.
Otherwise you might cry.
Comments
Post a Comment