This morning, Sam asked to lie down on the floor for his diaper change instead of being up on the changing table. He held a truck in each hand and talked to me about them (orange bulldozer! yellow wheels!) while he calmly let me change his diaper, put jeans and a t-shirt on him, socks, and his favorite shoes with rockets on them.
This placid episode took place after he had awoken at 5:00 a.m., upset for some reason unknown to me (perhaps he was cold?), and I pulled him into bed with us, where he slept straight from 5:00 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Both Matt and I were awake before Sam was - this never happens!
Sam played with his trucks while I bathed and got dressed. He brushed his teeth (and in doing so, gave up the nook that he sleeps with at night), walked down the stairs with me, agreed to sit in his chair for breakfast (and actually tried to help get his legs into the leg holes!), ate his cereal bar and a whole banana without complaining, let me clean him up and put on him a sweatshirt (of MY choosing) and vest.
Basically, Sam was the world's most agreeable kid this morning.
Basically, Sam is the world's most agreeable kid most mornings. Except for this week.
We've had a series of mornings full of tantrums, kicking, rebellions, refusals to eat, refusals to put on pants, anger because he asked for a banana to eat and we had the audacity to peel it...
We've had weeks like this before, where our sweet, compliant, agreeable kid turns into crazy-manic-child. Each time this happens, we cross our fingers and pray that it is a phase and not our new reality. I suppose, if I'm being honest, crazy-manic-Sam is still pretty cute, still pretty sweet as kids go. But when he is in tantrum mode, he doesn't feel like Sam anymore, if that makes sense.
Now, I suspect that his tantrums this week are due to having a cold, teething, and being cold at night...and thus not sleeping well. And all of those things would certainly lead to a toddler's inability to deal with transitions or disappointments. Today's agreeable morning makes me hopeful that we are getting back to sweet, compliant Sam.
But is it really reasonable for me to keep expecting that Sam won't change? This is the mama-thought going through my head. Sam is growing up. It has been a most miraculous thing to watch him transition from a baby to a toddler, into a kid who walks and talks and jokes, who explores his world and learns new information at an alarming pace. And of course he has changed through all of this. He has developed a personality and he has developed personal preferences about clothes, food, and entertainment alike. But I have naively assumed that his personality, as it grows and changes, will always grow and change within the parameters of sweetness, kindness, and happiness that he has exhibited throughout his life.
But what if his personality changes? Flat-out changes? What if he grows into a mean kid, or a sad kid, or an argumentative kid, or an aggressive kid? Or what if he merely grows into a "regular" kid who throws a normal amount of tantrums (instead of being the kid who rarely gets angry)?
Let me tell you, I've been sad these last few days. I feel sad when Sam is upset and I can't make it better. I feel sad when I've had to take hard lines with him. I feel sad when I've gotten upset in front of him. I feel sad when it feels like Sam is a stranger.
I told a dear friend yesterday that I love Sam so much that I actually do feel quite bad when I really just want to toss him out the window. She responded by telling me that God makes toddlers so tantrum-y so that we can already begin the process of letting them go.
It's the double-edge of being a mother. You want your child to stay the same forever, to stay your sweet baby, but you also want your child to grow independent and resilient and capable. This clash might be no more real than when you are dealing with a toddler.
I love Sam more than anything in the world. I am about to go find some lunch after a busy morning, and really just wish that I could go scoop Sam up for a big hug. I hope that the tantrums are a passing phase. And I hope, if they are not, that God will grant me both patience to deal with them, and new eyes to love Sam for whoever he is at this point in his life, and not who I would wish him to be.
This placid episode took place after he had awoken at 5:00 a.m., upset for some reason unknown to me (perhaps he was cold?), and I pulled him into bed with us, where he slept straight from 5:00 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Both Matt and I were awake before Sam was - this never happens!
Sam played with his trucks while I bathed and got dressed. He brushed his teeth (and in doing so, gave up the nook that he sleeps with at night), walked down the stairs with me, agreed to sit in his chair for breakfast (and actually tried to help get his legs into the leg holes!), ate his cereal bar and a whole banana without complaining, let me clean him up and put on him a sweatshirt (of MY choosing) and vest.
Basically, Sam was the world's most agreeable kid this morning.
Basically, Sam is the world's most agreeable kid most mornings. Except for this week.
We've had a series of mornings full of tantrums, kicking, rebellions, refusals to eat, refusals to put on pants, anger because he asked for a banana to eat and we had the audacity to peel it...
We've had weeks like this before, where our sweet, compliant, agreeable kid turns into crazy-manic-child. Each time this happens, we cross our fingers and pray that it is a phase and not our new reality. I suppose, if I'm being honest, crazy-manic-Sam is still pretty cute, still pretty sweet as kids go. But when he is in tantrum mode, he doesn't feel like Sam anymore, if that makes sense.
Now, I suspect that his tantrums this week are due to having a cold, teething, and being cold at night...and thus not sleeping well. And all of those things would certainly lead to a toddler's inability to deal with transitions or disappointments. Today's agreeable morning makes me hopeful that we are getting back to sweet, compliant Sam.
But is it really reasonable for me to keep expecting that Sam won't change? This is the mama-thought going through my head. Sam is growing up. It has been a most miraculous thing to watch him transition from a baby to a toddler, into a kid who walks and talks and jokes, who explores his world and learns new information at an alarming pace. And of course he has changed through all of this. He has developed a personality and he has developed personal preferences about clothes, food, and entertainment alike. But I have naively assumed that his personality, as it grows and changes, will always grow and change within the parameters of sweetness, kindness, and happiness that he has exhibited throughout his life.
But what if his personality changes? Flat-out changes? What if he grows into a mean kid, or a sad kid, or an argumentative kid, or an aggressive kid? Or what if he merely grows into a "regular" kid who throws a normal amount of tantrums (instead of being the kid who rarely gets angry)?
Let me tell you, I've been sad these last few days. I feel sad when Sam is upset and I can't make it better. I feel sad when I've had to take hard lines with him. I feel sad when I've gotten upset in front of him. I feel sad when it feels like Sam is a stranger.
I told a dear friend yesterday that I love Sam so much that I actually do feel quite bad when I really just want to toss him out the window. She responded by telling me that God makes toddlers so tantrum-y so that we can already begin the process of letting them go.
It's the double-edge of being a mother. You want your child to stay the same forever, to stay your sweet baby, but you also want your child to grow independent and resilient and capable. This clash might be no more real than when you are dealing with a toddler.
I love Sam more than anything in the world. I am about to go find some lunch after a busy morning, and really just wish that I could go scoop Sam up for a big hug. I hope that the tantrums are a passing phase. And I hope, if they are not, that God will grant me both patience to deal with them, and new eyes to love Sam for whoever he is at this point in his life, and not who I would wish him to be.
Comments
Post a Comment