The "shoulds"

I have an eight month update (with picture!) languishing in my queue, but before I have time to finish up that post, I need to speak my peace.

I was putting Sam to bed last night, and had one of those distinct "Wow, I love this sleepy little guy so so so very much" moments...followed immediately by the thought, "And you know what? I think I'm doing a pretty good job at this whole mom thing."

It wasn't so much a self-congratulatory thing as it was a freeing realization that I love Sam, and Matt and I do our very best to keep him healthy and happy, and you know what? For the most part, he's a healthy, happy kid. So I think that counts as success.

I say this because in these first eight months, I have said very little about the "shoulds" that pile up around the feet of new moms.

For my own part, I think I did a good job of ignoring most of them, except for a brief couple of weeks when I thought that maybe I should think about getting Sam on some sort of daily schedule or - God forbid! - sleep schedule. And then I gave up on those endeavors.

But I know that the "shoulds" are out there. And they are loud and conflicting and there is the temptation to believe that there must be one difinitive set of truths about how parenting should happen.

• You should (or shouldn't) put your baby on a daily schedule.
• You should (or shouldn't) do sleep training with your baby.
• Your baby should be eating baby food. Or solid food. Or just breastmilk. Or just formula.
• You should wait a week between new foods. Or three days.
• You should bathe your baby once a week. Unless he's dirty. Or sick. Or just likes bathtime.
• You should plan your baby's day in eat/play/nap cycles.
• You should feed your baby overnight. Or you should drop the overnight feedings.
• You should split care for the baby evenly between partners. Or you should manage family/work/life stress the best you can, even if things are lopsided.
• You should give your baby pain medication for teething. You should give your baby frozen teething rings. You should give your baby frozen baby carrots to chew on.
• You should breastfeed. Or not.
• You should use cloth diapers. Or not.
• You should make your own baby food. Or not.
• You should wear your baby. You should put him in a stroller.
• You should stay home with your baby. Or take him to work. You should send your baby to a daycare center. You should send your baby only to a home daycare. You should get a nanny.
• Your baby should be sleeping the night. Your baby should be napping three times a day. Your baby should be sleeping 14 hours a day.
• You should be back to your pre-pregnancy weight. You should not be worrying about weight yet. You should be exercising. You should be keeping your house clean. You should be sleeping when the baby is sleeping.
• You should put sunscreen on your baby when he goes outside. Or you should avoid sunscreen and just make sure that your baby is well-covered when you go out.
• Your baby should be chubby. Or lean.
• Your baby should be hitting all of his milestones when the book says he should - sitting, crawling, walking, vocalizing, reaching, grasping, standing....

Oh my goodness. And the list can go on and on and on.

I feel fortunate that I am easygoing (lazy??) enough that I haven't been too bothered by many items on this list. But I also know that so many moms around me feel so much pressure to live up to these "shoulds." Because in our hearts, we all want to do things the right way, because we all want the best for our babies, and if we can manage to do things the right way, then we can say we've done our part to raise up happy and healthy children.

Here's how I stay sane:

I keep for myself a short, very functional list of shoulds. Sam should sleep when he's tired, eat when he's hungry, get changed when he has a dirty diaper, get snuggles when he's sad. Sam should always know that mommy and daddy love him. We're trying hard to follow our doctor's advice about how we should avoid screen time (TV, computer, etc.) until Sam is older...though we ignore this "should" just enough to FaceTime with the grandparents every couple days. And my hardest, fastest rule of them all: you should NEVER wake a sleeping baby!

Beyond that, I make everything up as I go along. I look for patterns, and try to stay in step with Sam's rhythms, knowing that as soon as I have his pattern figured out, it will inevitably change. I focus on keeping his basic needs met, and on loving him and snuggling him and taking him places and talking with him and smiling at him and not getting too worked up when he shoves his dirty hands or feet or a dirty toy in his mouth (within reason).

And when I look at Sam, in his crib, sleeping, snoring because he has a stuffy nose, all sweaty because he's a hot sleeper, I can see in him a healthy, happy, social, sweet, curious person, who is right on track to be exactly who he is.

You're doing just fine, mama.