I shouldn't be so suprised that things got very quiet here after Samuel's birth...but there's been so much on my mind and heart it is yet a wonder that I haven't written anything since writing out the epic version of Samuel's birth story and my recovery.
Let's begin by stating the obvious: I am 100% in love with Sam. He is adorable, and sweet, and even when he is fussy, he is so darn cute that I melt, even when I would rather get frustrated.
And let's begin by stating something else obvious: Our lives are 100% changed. It's hard to remember life before Sam, hard to remember what it felt like to be pregnant, hard to remember what a full night's sleep feels like, hard to imagine going back to work and post-maternity leave "real life." And it's all totally worth it.
In the last five weeks, I've thought about many things:
Even though the last few weeks were really pretty miserable (more than I let myself believe in the moment), I do indeed miss being pregnant. I love having our little guy out here in the world, but I miss baby kicks, and I miss the mystery and expectation of waiting for a baby.
Related thought: I can't imagine not doing this again. Which means that we're going to have to make some decisions sooner rather than later about how and when to try for baby #2. Which seems crazy to talk about when we have a five-week old who keeps us plenty busy, but for us, we need to think about our options and make a few decisions NOW, so that we can plan accordingly going forward.
Further related thought: I still get wistful when I hear of other people's pregnancy annoucements. Old habits die hard!
I've been thinking a lot about my birth experience, and about how I will likely never experience a regular birth. Our local hospital doesn't do VBACs, but I love my doctor and the OB nurses too much to want to deliver somewhere else, just to figure out what contractions actually feel like. It's pretty strange to have a baby, but not to have procured said baby in any natural way. Makes you sort out for yourself some priorities - whether conception/pregnancy/childbirth are the priority or whether the finished product is!
Last night we went out for dinner. Sam sat in his carrier, sleeping, the entire meal. Part of me relished the hour and a half reminder of what it felt like before he was born; freedom to eat two-handed, and not having to interrupt things to nurse. But man, after dinner, I couldn't wait to pick him up again, because the hour and a half felt far too long not to have held or snuggled my sweet boy.
Over this Advent and Christmas season, I've thought about this word "incarnation," and what it is to be human, to have flesh-and-blood life. And I realized how much life and devotion I give even to this tiniest little baby. My life is not my life. My time is not my time. Sometimes I've struggled with the demands of having a baby, especially on the days when I don't get more than an hour between feedings, or the nights when Sam refuses to sleep unless he is sleeping on my chest. But other times I've seen all of this as beautiful. I am constantly giving myself away. Feeding, holding, comforting, entertaining, soothing, changing...and no matter how little sleep I get or how tired my arms get, there is still nothing better than feeling Sam's little body go limp as he falls fast asleep against my shoulder.
Sometimes I think I know what I'm doing as a mom, and sometimes I realize I know nothing. Other moms have their five-week-olds on schedules. They have actual bedtimes. They have morning and evening routines and schedule times for sleep and for play. I'm not doing any of that right now. Sam dictates his schedule. He eats when he is hungry, he sleeps when he is tired, we put him down in his bassinet whenever it is that we get to bed. We read to him...sometimes. And do official tummy time...sometimes. And I feel like we're doing just fine! But it is just as hard as everybody says not to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to other moms.
I've thought about lots of other things, too. Like how the word "poop" is now part of our daily vocabulary. Or how I have no memory of a full night's sleep. Or how I don't remember what it feels like to be pregnant. Or how I miss snuggling with Matt at night. Or how humbling it is for me to fade into the background in order to keep Sam healthy and happy, and just how easy it really is to forget pieces of who you are when you pour everything into caring for a baby.
Right now, Sam is lying on the couch next to my mom, eyes open, limbs kicking, exercising his voice with his first few babbles. I have so many unfinished tasks and projects, and I've sat on my butt on the couch all day, watching the snow accumulate outside, and nothing is the same as it was last year at this time, or even a couple months ago. And even though everything is different and a little upside-down, everything is just as it should be. Perfect. Because Sam is here and that's all that matters.
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