Worried and not

Sunday morning, after church, more than one person asked me what the countdown was. Up until this point, people had been asking me how many weeks along I was, but we've now shifted. People are starting to ask how many weeks I have LEFT. We are barreling toward the end.

Worry comes in weird waves these days.

Things that I am worried about:

• Health and hedgehog's health. There's no reason for me to believe that everything isn't just normal and fine. But we're at this point where we're SO CLOSE to this baby, and this milestone that has been unreachable for five years now. I have no reason to believe things are going to go wrong. But I'm getting overly anxious about it in these last weeks, sort of like I felt at the beginning of the pregnancy. Especially because, at this point, we could deliver at any time if absolutely necessary. So I don't want to take any chances or miss any signals. Hence my freaking out about falling down the stairs, and my big anxiety on days when hedgehog isn't as active.
• Labor. I think about it often. I don't like the feeling of not knowing how my body and mind are going to react to the process. It is so far from anything I've experienced, and my control-freak self really can't handle the unknown. I'm irrationally afraid that my water will break, like, right in the middle of worship on a Sunday morning while I'm up front doing something. I'm reading birth stories like crazy, trying to prepare for the huge range of possibilities.
• Cleanliness of the house and chores. I get tired when I clean, but I know that I need to do it more and better. When it's just two adults, you can deal with dust and dirty kitchen floors and sinkfuls of dishes and overflowing laundry. But I need to get on top of these things. Not just to be better-prepared for whenever labor happens, but also to be in a better routine when baby is here. I worry about trying to manage baby plus chores, and eventually, baby plus chores plus work. Not enough hours in the day...or energy in my bones...
• What to pack in my hospital bag and when to pack it. Another fear of the unknown here. How many clothes do I want to be wearing during labor? And what kinds? And what's normal? And hrm. I need to buy a nursing bra or two, and do I really need all of the stuff in the lists that I keep finding online, because I try really hard to pack light in other areas of life, so what will I actually want and need? And don't get me started on trying to figure out what music I might want to load on my iPod...
• Setting myself up well for maternity leave. In my formal request for leave, I mentioned trying to hand off all crucial projects by November 15. Which means that I really don't have that many weeks to wrap things up and set other people up to take over some of my responsibilities. It's hard to juggle the day-to-day stuff with the planning stuff.

Things that I am not worried about (though I probably should be worried about a FEW of them):

• Setting up the nursery. I might bemoan the clutter in our house that needs to be cleaned and reorganized before we can fully claim the nursery for its purpose, but I'm not at all worried that we only have a dresser and a bookshelf ready for baby's arrival.
• Buying baby stuff. We have a shower this weekend, so I'll take stock after that. But I'm functioning on the assumption that since we have a bassinet, and at least one package of onesies, and a WalMart to buy diapers, and since I'm planning on nursing...well, we're as set as we NEED to be at this point. Everything else is bonus.
• Birth plans. I probably SHOULD be thinking about my preferences and my hopes. At least doing a little more research about pain management options. I keep assuming that I'll do my best with IV meds, and I'll try to hold out as long as possible before using them. But I really don't know much. Beyond that, I don't know nearly enough about what labor's going to be like to have a plan for birthing balls and whirlpools and such. I know what's available to me and I'm glad that our hospital encourages women to walk around and move around and use a variety of positions and tools.
• Newborn stuff. I'm totally okay with the routine meds and vaccines that they'll give. I'm not worked up about it. I suppose that Matt and I need to have an actual conversation about circumcision, in the event that hedgehog is a boy. But I'm not worried about that, either. And I'm not freaking out about breastfeeding or names or any of that stuff. Even if I'm not totally prepared for those things yet, I'm strangely not worried.
• Pediatricians. My doctor is a family practice doctor. I love him. And I love family practice, I'm finding out. I love that one person knows my whole story. And a couple weeks ago when I had to go to the doctor because I had what ended up to be strep? While I was there getting my illness checked out, he also, for good measure, checked hedgehog's heartbeat and position. Awesome. So I am not just comfortable, but excited that he gets to be doctor to our little hedgehog! The continuity of care is really attractive to me. Which means that I escape the anxiety of picking a pediatrician.
• Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm due right before Thanksgiving. My parents are planning on coming out as soon as baby's on its way, or for Thanksgiving, whichever comes first. I have no idea what that's going to look like, but I'm so not worried. I'm excited to have people around for when we arrive home, and really, I'm figuring that I'll be tired and nursing all the time, and everybody else will just have to figure out food and cleaning and those sorts of tasks. And Christmas? Totally not worried (yet) about a road trip to Chicago that will involve a one-month old and two cats.
• Child care. Yeah. We have no plans. I know that I have eight weeks of maternity leave. I know that Matt works from home. I know that when I'm back at work, I still will have Fridays off, and that church is a minute and a half away from home. We'll work it out. I'm sure.

And truthfully...underneath all of these worries and non-worries, I'm mostly just getting impatient. I'm not overwhelmingly uncomfortable, and I love feeling hedgehog move, but I am also just ready to meet this baby on the outside. I feel bad for friends of mine who are due around my time who are dealing with real problems and real pains, and I can't even imagine how I'd feel right now if I were truly uncomfortable. I'm impatient enough as it is right now! I am really just so excited to meet hedgehog, and to start this new chapter of our life, no matter how many worries I'll need to push through to get there.