As usual, the anxiety ramped up leading to this month's doctor appointment. To my credit, I made it three and a half weeks before feeling anxious this time around, which is pretty good. Three and a half weeks of happiness and planning and enjoyment, and only a few days of crazy.
The crazy came in three parts, though, so it's been intense.
1. The crazy kicked in last Thursday morning, when I thought that I maybe saw some faint pink spotting after using the bathroom. It was vague, at very best, and only once, and I'm not sure that it was even pink, but I started to panic. Couple that with some very low-grade, low abdominal cramps off and on over the next couple days, and I was absolutely sure that things were over and done for. I've pretty much gotten over myself on this count. No bleeding, no heavy cramps, really, no reason to get all crazy about this.
2. On the days when I felt decidedly good and non-crampy, I still made myself crazy trying to figure out whether my belly is as big as it was a week ago. I feel smaller for some reason. And so that sent me into a new wave of crazy. Feeling sure that the baby has stopped growing; that we won't find a heartbeat at our next appointment. This brand of crazy is the one that still lingers. And will until we (God-willing) hear that heartbeat again at our appointment this week. Now, the belly might not be smaller. Or it might be smaller because I've been exercising a bit more and drinking a ton more water, and so maybe there's some fat, flab, and bloat that have disappeared. I've been trying to trick the hedgehog into kicking me hard enough that I can feel it, even though it's super-early and I shouldn't expect to feel anything for at least another week or two, or as many as five or six weeks. But feeling something would definitely help the sanity. I've been trying to get the little dude in motion by drinking huge glasses of ice water and then lying down in bed quietly. I do this at night. Which means that while I'm trying to relax and feel something, I fall asleep. And then wake up two hours later having to pee. Not sure if it's the most productive cycle, but at least I'm staying well hydrated! Anyway, it's always hard to shake the fear that something unknown has gone wrong between appointments, and you search for a sign of something to give you hope or assurance. So I will feel much better after our next appointment...whether it's good news or bad. It's just better for my sanity to know.
3. Add to this mix a weekend full of visitors. Both sets of parents came into town, which means that we got a TON accomplished around our house. The drawback is that everybody wanted to talk about the baby. And celebrate both Father's Day and a belated Mother's Day. And the bigger drawback is that Matt's mom wanted to help us paint the nursery and paint the dresser that will go in there. Both are tasks that we've been talking about doing, and both are tasks that Matt and I are never going to be terribly motivated to do. So we took her up on the offer. The room is now a gorgeous pale, breezy shade of green-blue, and the newly-painted white dresser looks so fresh against the walls. We love the room. And at the same time, I just could not get excited about it. I was just too scared that we wouldn't actually get to use the room as a nursery. It's one things to sit alone, putting together a dream baby registry on Amazon...that NO ONE except for me can see. It's a whole different thing to let other people help you make plans. Because they are sure that there'll be a baby at the end of this. I'm still not.
So three separate layers of crazy going on here. Intense. On top of this all, I "went public" around church over the last week, so the news is OUT THERE. And I'm really not jazzed about the remote fear of having to "un-tell" if something goes wrong. Not to mention the fact that we are about to leave on vacation to Key West, and I'm so excited to go (it's where Matt and I went on our honeymoon). But I'm nervous about that, too. Because if something goes wrong at our appointment, then we'll probably have to cancel our vacation, and that would be huge insult to injury.
I need to remember...again...that I have no reason whatsoever to believe that anything is wrong. I've crossed 17 weeks, and even though you're never 100% out of the woods, we're pretty much as out of the woods as you can get. And painting a nursery doesn't jinx anything, and feeling stuff happening in your belly is totally normal. And didn't I decide after our first appointment that I'd really like to stay fit and keep from gaining way too much weight this pregnancy? And c'mon, remember how teensy tiny your mom was when she was pregnant, and how you've suspected all along that you might have her genes in this department?
Yeah. I'll fit into maternity clothes when the time is right. And I'll feel movement when the time is right. And I'll get excited again...I'm desperate to be excited. I feel it in my heart, ready to burst out. I just need to hear that heartbeat again. And then, watch out! I'm so excited to be excited...when the time is right...
The crazy came in three parts, though, so it's been intense.
1. The crazy kicked in last Thursday morning, when I thought that I maybe saw some faint pink spotting after using the bathroom. It was vague, at very best, and only once, and I'm not sure that it was even pink, but I started to panic. Couple that with some very low-grade, low abdominal cramps off and on over the next couple days, and I was absolutely sure that things were over and done for. I've pretty much gotten over myself on this count. No bleeding, no heavy cramps, really, no reason to get all crazy about this.
2. On the days when I felt decidedly good and non-crampy, I still made myself crazy trying to figure out whether my belly is as big as it was a week ago. I feel smaller for some reason. And so that sent me into a new wave of crazy. Feeling sure that the baby has stopped growing; that we won't find a heartbeat at our next appointment. This brand of crazy is the one that still lingers. And will until we (God-willing) hear that heartbeat again at our appointment this week. Now, the belly might not be smaller. Or it might be smaller because I've been exercising a bit more and drinking a ton more water, and so maybe there's some fat, flab, and bloat that have disappeared. I've been trying to trick the hedgehog into kicking me hard enough that I can feel it, even though it's super-early and I shouldn't expect to feel anything for at least another week or two, or as many as five or six weeks. But feeling something would definitely help the sanity. I've been trying to get the little dude in motion by drinking huge glasses of ice water and then lying down in bed quietly. I do this at night. Which means that while I'm trying to relax and feel something, I fall asleep. And then wake up two hours later having to pee. Not sure if it's the most productive cycle, but at least I'm staying well hydrated! Anyway, it's always hard to shake the fear that something unknown has gone wrong between appointments, and you search for a sign of something to give you hope or assurance. So I will feel much better after our next appointment...whether it's good news or bad. It's just better for my sanity to know.
3. Add to this mix a weekend full of visitors. Both sets of parents came into town, which means that we got a TON accomplished around our house. The drawback is that everybody wanted to talk about the baby. And celebrate both Father's Day and a belated Mother's Day. And the bigger drawback is that Matt's mom wanted to help us paint the nursery and paint the dresser that will go in there. Both are tasks that we've been talking about doing, and both are tasks that Matt and I are never going to be terribly motivated to do. So we took her up on the offer. The room is now a gorgeous pale, breezy shade of green-blue, and the newly-painted white dresser looks so fresh against the walls. We love the room. And at the same time, I just could not get excited about it. I was just too scared that we wouldn't actually get to use the room as a nursery. It's one things to sit alone, putting together a dream baby registry on Amazon...that NO ONE except for me can see. It's a whole different thing to let other people help you make plans. Because they are sure that there'll be a baby at the end of this. I'm still not.
So three separate layers of crazy going on here. Intense. On top of this all, I "went public" around church over the last week, so the news is OUT THERE. And I'm really not jazzed about the remote fear of having to "un-tell" if something goes wrong. Not to mention the fact that we are about to leave on vacation to Key West, and I'm so excited to go (it's where Matt and I went on our honeymoon). But I'm nervous about that, too. Because if something goes wrong at our appointment, then we'll probably have to cancel our vacation, and that would be huge insult to injury.
I need to remember...again...that I have no reason whatsoever to believe that anything is wrong. I've crossed 17 weeks, and even though you're never 100% out of the woods, we're pretty much as out of the woods as you can get. And painting a nursery doesn't jinx anything, and feeling stuff happening in your belly is totally normal. And didn't I decide after our first appointment that I'd really like to stay fit and keep from gaining way too much weight this pregnancy? And c'mon, remember how teensy tiny your mom was when she was pregnant, and how you've suspected all along that you might have her genes in this department?
Yeah. I'll fit into maternity clothes when the time is right. And I'll feel movement when the time is right. And I'll get excited again...I'm desperate to be excited. I feel it in my heart, ready to burst out. I just need to hear that heartbeat again. And then, watch out! I'm so excited to be excited...when the time is right...
Not sure if you still see these comments -but today, this blog post is hitting way to close to home. Appointment on Thursday, with anxiety ramping up each day.
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