Let's set the stage.
One week ago, I went in for an ultrasound, and it was the first time they checked for a heartbeat. Not more than five minutes into the exam, the ultrasound tech showed me the screen, assured me that there was a heartbeat, and that she'd measure it later in the exam.
Today, I went in for my ultrasound, and she was quiet. I peeked at the screen as best I could, which wasn't very well, and thought I saw a big, empty sac. She didn't have me do the hold-my-breath-to-check-the-heartbeat thing like she did last time. She didn't turn the screen. She didn't say anything, except to periodically ask me if I was still doing all right. Twenty minutes of this. I was devastated. From what I could piece together in my very non-professional opinion, the ultrasound must have revealed an empty sac, and no heartbeat even to measure, and I felt so dejected and sad. I was pretty worked up by the end of the exam, trying to figure out how to gracefully slip home after my morning staff meeting, and sleep and watch TV and embrace the rainy weather, and find some way to quiet my disappointed heart.
I sat up at the end of the exam, and she said, "Oh, I should probably show you what I saw." She turned the screen to me, and pointed to this peanut-shaped thing, and said, "the baby has grown SO MUCH since last week."
I was dumbfounded.
I stared at it and then asked, "So...things look okay?" And she told me that the doctor would have to look at things, but yeah, things looked normal, and that she wasn't really supposed to say anything, which I understand, but still. And then she flipped screens and said that she measured the heartbeat at 150bpm (which is absolutely normal), and then asked if I wanted a printout! So after a really sucky twenty minutes of panicking, I teared up with the good news that things looked okay. That this pregnancy is still a thing.
I know that she isn't supposed to say much, if anything. That she can't diagnose anything. But at least saying "there's a heartbeat" goes a long way, y'know?
Anyway. Without further ado, here is the peanut:
I flew into staff meeting a litte late, and mentioned that I'd already checked the hospital to see if any members were there, which made people suspicious as to why I was at the hospital so early on a Tuesday morning, so I ended up telling two of them afterwards. My senior pastor got all teary. It was very sweet. I told them that it'd been a long journey to get to this point, and so I was keeping it very very quiet. It felt good to share my secret, but I'm also now terrified that I've jinxed myself.
Also, after today, I'll probably be released to a local OB...it feels weird to think about "graduating" from my RE. I love everybody in that office, and they have walked with me through this long, difficult journey. I will miss being under their care. Also, calling to make an appointment with an OB also seems like a great way to jinx things. Crazy, I know. I'm not usually a superstitious person. But pregnancy after so much loss really does make you a little crazy.
Looking forward to getting the full ultrasound update/report from my RE later today. Hoping that everything really does look good to him, and that I'm not getting ahead of myself by getting excited and posting the ultrasound picture...
One week ago, I went in for an ultrasound, and it was the first time they checked for a heartbeat. Not more than five minutes into the exam, the ultrasound tech showed me the screen, assured me that there was a heartbeat, and that she'd measure it later in the exam.
Today, I went in for my ultrasound, and she was quiet. I peeked at the screen as best I could, which wasn't very well, and thought I saw a big, empty sac. She didn't have me do the hold-my-breath-to-check-the-heartbeat thing like she did last time. She didn't turn the screen. She didn't say anything, except to periodically ask me if I was still doing all right. Twenty minutes of this. I was devastated. From what I could piece together in my very non-professional opinion, the ultrasound must have revealed an empty sac, and no heartbeat even to measure, and I felt so dejected and sad. I was pretty worked up by the end of the exam, trying to figure out how to gracefully slip home after my morning staff meeting, and sleep and watch TV and embrace the rainy weather, and find some way to quiet my disappointed heart.
I sat up at the end of the exam, and she said, "Oh, I should probably show you what I saw." She turned the screen to me, and pointed to this peanut-shaped thing, and said, "the baby has grown SO MUCH since last week."
I was dumbfounded.
I stared at it and then asked, "So...things look okay?" And she told me that the doctor would have to look at things, but yeah, things looked normal, and that she wasn't really supposed to say anything, which I understand, but still. And then she flipped screens and said that she measured the heartbeat at 150bpm (which is absolutely normal), and then asked if I wanted a printout! So after a really sucky twenty minutes of panicking, I teared up with the good news that things looked okay. That this pregnancy is still a thing.
I know that she isn't supposed to say much, if anything. That she can't diagnose anything. But at least saying "there's a heartbeat" goes a long way, y'know?
Anyway. Without further ado, here is the peanut:
.JPG) |
| The round thing is the yolk sac, and the peanut-shaped right above it is the baby! |
I flew into staff meeting a litte late, and mentioned that I'd already checked the hospital to see if any members were there, which made people suspicious as to why I was at the hospital so early on a Tuesday morning, so I ended up telling two of them afterwards. My senior pastor got all teary. It was very sweet. I told them that it'd been a long journey to get to this point, and so I was keeping it very very quiet. It felt good to share my secret, but I'm also now terrified that I've jinxed myself.
Also, after today, I'll probably be released to a local OB...it feels weird to think about "graduating" from my RE. I love everybody in that office, and they have walked with me through this long, difficult journey. I will miss being under their care. Also, calling to make an appointment with an OB also seems like a great way to jinx things. Crazy, I know. I'm not usually a superstitious person. But pregnancy after so much loss really does make you a little crazy.
Looking forward to getting the full ultrasound update/report from my RE later today. Hoping that everything really does look good to him, and that I'm not getting ahead of myself by getting excited and posting the ultrasound picture...
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