Secrets

This is, in a way, a secret blog. Very few people in my life know about it, and it's my safe space to talk about our IFV attempts, since not many people know that we're doing it, and even fewer know about the ins and outs of each cycle.

As it turns out, I'm nursing a few secrets right now, things that are on my heart but that aren't for wider consumption.

Besides nursing the ttc/infertility/IFV secret, I'm also living a double life right now, because I love the people in my congregation and love my church, but have been exploring (and even interviewing) for a new call, and trying to discern whether I stay here longer or whether it is time to go somewhere else and do something new. It's strange - to say the least - to go on with life as usual around my current congregation while also trying to picture myself somewhere else. Takes quite a bit of emotional energy, it turns out.

The bigger secret right now, though, is that one of these other churches has offered me a position, and I need to decide by the end of the week whether I want it or not. I have no idea what to do. And I'm so physically and emotionally tired from trying to figure it out. I have no leaning, one way or the other, and I have made lists upon lists of pros vs. cons, and I can't figure out THE ANSWER, which probably means that there isn't a "right" answer at all, and it's just all about what I want. Too bad I don't know what I want...

And then, in the realm of other pseudo-secrets, or at least things that I don't say out loud to anyone, my soul is really really weary right now. I am neither angry nor resentful, but merely tired of trying to have a baby. And I am tired of not knowing what I want with regard to my job. There is part of me that hugely wants to pick up and start a new life for myself, and reinvent myself, and settle down in a house that I can make a home, and pull Matt away from a too-busy job so that we are both actually at home in the evenings. But another part of me says "that's waayyy too much work."

I am not unhappy. There are many many things that make me very happy. Especially in this holiday season. But I'm tired. And when things get quiet (and I don't have any knitting with me to keep me busy), I feel more unsettled than I do content, and more weary than happy.

So those are my secrets right now. Feeling so very ready for a life change, and yet feeling so overwhelmed by making it happen.