Since the start of 2012, just a few short weeks ago, no less than eight different friends of mine have announced pregnancies. About half of these friends are having first babies, and about half of these friends already have children.
Each announcement makes me feel defeated.
I mean, first, I feel jealous. And mostly, it's jealousy over the ability of others to procreate like normal. I am in a bitter place right now, I've realized, where I resent the fact that I don't have the option of "normal." Others decide to try for a baby, and get to do it the fun way...the simple way. We decide to try for a baby, and we have to save up ten thousand dollars, make doctor's appointments, go through weeks of injections, anesthesia...and all to get us to the uncertainty of a two-week wait, where we face the reality that none of these interventions guarantee us a baby.
And then after I get over that first flicker of jealousy, I feel left behind, as if having children is a race, or a mark of life fulfillment. I have the irrational fear that once we finally have a child, all of our friends and even our families will be "over it," as if having babies was so 2010 and we are are behind the times and out of fashion.
And really, at the root of all of these feelings is my own impatience. We are still waiting over here. About to schedule the tests and bloodwork that we need to do this cycle. But then we have to wait another month, until the next cycle to start the IVF cycle. And thinking about waiting six or so more weeks before we get to start makes me a little crazy.
All of these feelings - jealousy, left-behind-ness, impatience - add up to feeling defeated, as if everything is over before it has even begun. I find myself forgetful about the fact that we do have options and that we should be able to end up with kids somehow, sometime. I forget that this door hasn't closed for me altogether. I forget that children are not an impossible proposition for us.
But it takes so much energy to remember...
Each announcement makes me feel defeated.
I mean, first, I feel jealous. And mostly, it's jealousy over the ability of others to procreate like normal. I am in a bitter place right now, I've realized, where I resent the fact that I don't have the option of "normal." Others decide to try for a baby, and get to do it the fun way...the simple way. We decide to try for a baby, and we have to save up ten thousand dollars, make doctor's appointments, go through weeks of injections, anesthesia...and all to get us to the uncertainty of a two-week wait, where we face the reality that none of these interventions guarantee us a baby.
And then after I get over that first flicker of jealousy, I feel left behind, as if having children is a race, or a mark of life fulfillment. I have the irrational fear that once we finally have a child, all of our friends and even our families will be "over it," as if having babies was so 2010 and we are are behind the times and out of fashion.
And really, at the root of all of these feelings is my own impatience. We are still waiting over here. About to schedule the tests and bloodwork that we need to do this cycle. But then we have to wait another month, until the next cycle to start the IVF cycle. And thinking about waiting six or so more weeks before we get to start makes me a little crazy.
All of these feelings - jealousy, left-behind-ness, impatience - add up to feeling defeated, as if everything is over before it has even begun. I find myself forgetful about the fact that we do have options and that we should be able to end up with kids somehow, sometime. I forget that this door hasn't closed for me altogether. I forget that children are not an impossible proposition for us.
But it takes so much energy to remember...
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