The world moves too fast

Feeling more and more like myself today. A tired, slow, low-energy version of myself, but a version of myself nonetheless. Yesterday was a hard day. I went back to work for the afternoon, and even though I think they were well-meaning questions from my fellow co-workers, I kept getting asked things like "You really aren't feeling better yet?" Today, I can try to interpret those questions as people really just being concerned. But yesterday, those questions felt 100% like guilt trips, as if I were being told that I should be fine, because laparoscopic surgery is "easy" and my dedication to my job should mean that I come back to work and gut it out because doing anything less would mean I'm not a team player.

I'm in a slightly better place today than I was yesterday, when I put up an admittedly passive-aggressive Facebook status and spent ten minutes bawling my eyes out in my office.

Today, I think I just wish things felt normal. I'm not sure what my definition of "normal" would be, though. I can't decide if I want people to walk on more or fewer eggshells around me. And I can't decide if I want sympathy or just friendship. Patience, for sure. I know that I still want and need that. But beyond patience? Still trying to figure it out.

Here's what I feel today:

• Physically, I feel tired and slow, and dozed off on the couch last night, re-twisting my neck and giving me this stupid one-ear headache again. But I feel like I'm healing and getting stronger. That's a good thing.
• I feel less grief over losing this pregnancy than I do about the journey to come. I feel like my heart is working right now to process our new path toward starting a family rather than working to process my loss.
• I feel tired everywhere - body, mind, and spirit - and I feel like I'm moving in slow motion no matter what I'm doing.
• I feel like my brain and heart are spending time worrying about real things, and I feel impatient with everyone around me who is worrying about "fake" things like today's Apple event, the future of their participation in social media, or how to hide the office candy stash over the weekend so that kids don't eat it all.
• I feel, actually, sort of like I did when I came back from Tanzania - feeling like there are bigger, deeper, and slower things to focus on than the small, flippant, and fast things that suburban life encourages us to worry about.
• I feel scared that if people haven't seemed as willing to give me the space I need to physically heal...then they won't be willing to give me the space I need to emotionally heal...and I haven't even really BEGUN that process.
• I feel like maybe I'm making too big a deal of my experience, and maybe I need to suck it up and not be such a baby.

I guess...I had figured that this experience would cause me to do some real soul-searching and emotional work on my own life and my dreams of health and family. I don't think that I expected this experience to cause me to do this level of soul-searching about friendships, relationships, expectations, and the outside world.

It is seriously tiring work. And the worst part is that the world can not (does not?) slow down enough to let me figure it out.