After an initial few days of great progress in recovery, I hit a wall on Friday. Late Thursday night, I started getting a headache, which was no big deal. I took some painkillers, went to sleep, and expected to feel like myself in the morning. It took my by surprise on Friday morning, when I woke up feeling tired, groggy, headachy, and lacking all energy.
I spent the rest of Friday battling a migraine that kicked my butt so hard that I pretty much had a panic attack at 1am because my head hurt, I felt dizzy, I felt nauseous, and I couldn't find anything that would make me feel better. That was my low point.
Saturday felt better than Friday, mostly battling the dreaded migraine hangover, and my parents came over for dinner, and we had quite the lovely evening. And even though I was disappointed that I didn't feel good enough to go to church yesterday, I was proud of myself for spending more of my day sitting up than lying down.
Throughout all of this, however, I've had this crazy pain up my neck and into my ear and eye on the right side. Inevitably a product of hormone-induced migraines, clenching my jaw out of anxiety, and sleeping on a couch for too many nights. But I got frustrated last night.
Here I was, feeling GREAT on Tuesday night, right after surgery, and feeling better and better on Wednesday and Thursday, and then hitting such a hard wall. I get frustrated at the ups and downs; one moment, I'm texting a friend telling her that I really do feel on the mend, and the next moment, she checks in on me and I tell her that I feel terrible.
I'm battling horrible feelings of guilt for having been away from work for a whole week; I didn't go into the office last Monday because I had a doctor's appointment and I was grieving the possibility of miscarriage. Tuesday I ended up in the ER. I feel like people want to give me space and time to recover...but that they really want me to recover faster because they need me around. I think that they are trying to process my good days as signs that I can be back to my usual routine, but feeling frustrated or misled when I have bad afternoons or evenings.
I cried for a bit last night. Just so frustrated with it all. Wanting to feel normal, faster. Wanting to be my usual self. Wanting to receive all of the thoughts and prayers and well-wishes of others with grace, and not sit around on my butt for too long, as if I'm taking people's graciousness for granted.
It's tough to be in a place where I feel like I am letting people down if I take more time to rest, but where I am surprising people if I get back to my routine. I can't please anyone, it feels...and especially not myself.
I spent the rest of Friday battling a migraine that kicked my butt so hard that I pretty much had a panic attack at 1am because my head hurt, I felt dizzy, I felt nauseous, and I couldn't find anything that would make me feel better. That was my low point.
Saturday felt better than Friday, mostly battling the dreaded migraine hangover, and my parents came over for dinner, and we had quite the lovely evening. And even though I was disappointed that I didn't feel good enough to go to church yesterday, I was proud of myself for spending more of my day sitting up than lying down.
Throughout all of this, however, I've had this crazy pain up my neck and into my ear and eye on the right side. Inevitably a product of hormone-induced migraines, clenching my jaw out of anxiety, and sleeping on a couch for too many nights. But I got frustrated last night.
Here I was, feeling GREAT on Tuesday night, right after surgery, and feeling better and better on Wednesday and Thursday, and then hitting such a hard wall. I get frustrated at the ups and downs; one moment, I'm texting a friend telling her that I really do feel on the mend, and the next moment, she checks in on me and I tell her that I feel terrible.
I'm battling horrible feelings of guilt for having been away from work for a whole week; I didn't go into the office last Monday because I had a doctor's appointment and I was grieving the possibility of miscarriage. Tuesday I ended up in the ER. I feel like people want to give me space and time to recover...but that they really want me to recover faster because they need me around. I think that they are trying to process my good days as signs that I can be back to my usual routine, but feeling frustrated or misled when I have bad afternoons or evenings.
I cried for a bit last night. Just so frustrated with it all. Wanting to feel normal, faster. Wanting to be my usual self. Wanting to receive all of the thoughts and prayers and well-wishes of others with grace, and not sit around on my butt for too long, as if I'm taking people's graciousness for granted.
It's tough to be in a place where I feel like I am letting people down if I take more time to rest, but where I am surprising people if I get back to my routine. I can't please anyone, it feels...and especially not myself.
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