As I drove to work today, I caught myself thinking, "I feel like myself today!" Indeed, I am getting back to normal. I still get tired from a regular day full of activity, and I still have a stupid pinched nerve in my neck that is giving me headaches (literally), but really, I have turned a serious corner in my physical healing.
But it turns out that having a broken, healing body is a nice emotional distraction. For this whole last week, I've been telling people, "I'm sure the other emotions will hit me later, but for now, I feel good that I am alive and well. And I am thankful to have answers."
But as my body heals, it frees up space for me to feel more emotions. I think that the hardest part of this journey is on the verge of beginning.
This morning, I started thinking about how expensive, invasive, and yet uncertain IVF really is. It's not fail-proof. It doesn't guarantee pregnancy. It is the hard way of achieving a chance result. And I felt sad that we can't even try the easy way anymore. It's just not an option.
And now, tonight, I felt my first twinge of real grief over losing this pregnancy, this baby, this dream of a May due date and all that was supposed to go with it.
And for the first time, I looked at pictures of my insides from surgery tonight. Icky. They reminded me of the way that I keep flashing back to my time in the ER and the thoughts, feelings, and events surrounding my surgery itself, as if every detail of that day were a story that I haven't yet told, a story that is just filling up space in my head and distracting me.
I think that while my body was healing and I felt so emotionally strong, I had somehow hoped (or fooled myself into believing) that this experience wouldn't take a big emotional toll...
But that is not reality. All this stuff is hitting me. And will continue to hit me. And I will cry, and grieve, and get angry, and feel both resentment and guilt, and lose patience with feeling vulnerable. As one journey of healing gets better, it is time for another to get worse...and then, in due time, get better as well.
But it turns out that having a broken, healing body is a nice emotional distraction. For this whole last week, I've been telling people, "I'm sure the other emotions will hit me later, but for now, I feel good that I am alive and well. And I am thankful to have answers."
But as my body heals, it frees up space for me to feel more emotions. I think that the hardest part of this journey is on the verge of beginning.
This morning, I started thinking about how expensive, invasive, and yet uncertain IVF really is. It's not fail-proof. It doesn't guarantee pregnancy. It is the hard way of achieving a chance result. And I felt sad that we can't even try the easy way anymore. It's just not an option.
And now, tonight, I felt my first twinge of real grief over losing this pregnancy, this baby, this dream of a May due date and all that was supposed to go with it.
And for the first time, I looked at pictures of my insides from surgery tonight. Icky. They reminded me of the way that I keep flashing back to my time in the ER and the thoughts, feelings, and events surrounding my surgery itself, as if every detail of that day were a story that I haven't yet told, a story that is just filling up space in my head and distracting me.
I think that while my body was healing and I felt so emotionally strong, I had somehow hoped (or fooled myself into believing) that this experience wouldn't take a big emotional toll...
But that is not reality. All this stuff is hitting me. And will continue to hit me. And I will cry, and grieve, and get angry, and feel both resentment and guilt, and lose patience with feeling vulnerable. As one journey of healing gets better, it is time for another to get worse...and then, in due time, get better as well.
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