I'm afraid of doing a repeat of January 2010.
Things then started off much like they did this past Sunday morning, except that it was winter.
And then, I woke up on January 13, feeling GREAT. No bloating, no sore boobs. I remember thinking as I woke up "wow, I don't feel pregnant this morning." It was as if someone had flipped a switch. It seemed like a nice thing, to feel good, for all of five minutes. Then I got up and headed to the bathroom to do the usual morning stuff.
As far as anyone knows, that loss was just "one of those things." I don't feel bitter when people remind me "It's actually really common and happens to lots of people." I just feel sad and wish it weren't so.
Last week, before I knew I was pregnant, Matt and I were talking about a friends' newborn, who has a heart defect and needs major surgery ASAP. He commented that the more he sees and hears and learns, the more pregnancy and birth seem to him like a gamble. He was thinking about how there are no guarantees, and how a lot of things have to go right to end up with a healthy baby.
That is what scares me. That there is so much about all of this that is out of my hands. I can't control whether a chromosomal abnormality is going to lead to another early miscarriage. I can't control whether my baby is going to develop normally. I can't guarantee that it will be an uneventful birth. This whole process means nothing other than taking one day at a time, which makes these next two hundred forty-something days feel like an eternity.
Things then started off much like they did this past Sunday morning, except that it was winter.
Thursday, January 7, 2010I remember bits and pieces from the days following those first words: having a meeting in the city and using all of my self-control to keep from telling one of my friends there that I was pregnant, having a choir rehearsal wearing my new-from-Christmas purple sweater and feeling like everybody could see how huge my boobs were and how bloated I felt, talking with Matt about how we could rearrange the study and store some furniture to turn the room into a makeshift nursery.
Holy crap, it looks like I’m a little bit pregnant...
I can hardly believe it. I usually set an alarm for 6am to temp, but then don’t get up until 7:45 or so. Today, I woke up just before 6 and my temp was through the roof. I couldn’t force myself to stay and bed and sleep for another two hours - I got up immediately and POAS. Couldn’t believe my eyes! It had started snowing overnight, and so I went back to bed, woke up DH, told him “Hey guess what - it’s snowing and pretty outside!….And hey, guess what - we’re going to have a baby!”
Needless to say, I didn’t get back to sleep.
And then, I woke up on January 13, feeling GREAT. No bloating, no sore boobs. I remember thinking as I woke up "wow, I don't feel pregnant this morning." It was as if someone had flipped a switch. It seemed like a nice thing, to feel good, for all of five minutes. Then I got up and headed to the bathroom to do the usual morning stuff.
Wednesday, January 13I remember things about the day I miscarried, too. I was wearing that same purple sweater, a denim skirt, brown boots. After my morning appointment, thinking that things were fine, I went off to work. I somehow made my way through a meeting, but felt horrible. It was over before I left for the afternoon. On the way home, my sister called, and I couldn't hide the news from her. It took me far longer to tell my parents.
So I woke up with some bleeding this morning. I have an appointment for noon today, so we’ll see what’s going on. The nurse that I talked to on the phone seemed unconcerned (in a kind way, not in a dismissive way), but I’m still scared. And despite her comment that bleeding is (apparently) fairly common early in pregnancy, I’m still expecting the worst.
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Just got back from the doctor. She did an exam and said that while there was some bleeding, my cervix was closed, which is a good sign. They did a blood test (I didn’t faint!) and they’ll let me know tomorrow how my levels look. If they look ok, then I have an u/s scheduled for a week from now. If they are unsure, they’ll bring me back for another blood test in a couple days. Basically, no one is panicking right now, but it’ll be a few days before I know anything more (which means a few days before I’ll stop worrying like crazy...)
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Things got worse this afternoon. Cramps, more bleeding...So even though things sounded good earlier today, I’m not feeling terribly optimistic at this point.
Thursday, January 14
After continued bleeding yesterday, I got the results of my blood test this afternoon, and they’re not good. Low progesterone, low everything. So what I experienced yesterday was indeed a miscarriage at about 5 weeks.
Saturday, January 16
I miscarried on Wednesday, five weeks into my first pregnancy. As things go, it was oddly uneventful, and not physically painful, for which I am grateful. I have a wonderful OB group who has been so kind and caring in helping me get through this. I’m not quite sure what else there is to say except that I’m emotionally all over the map.
There are moments when I feel rational, and realize that this (as unfortunate as it is) is a fairly common occurrence (thinking this way helps me feel more “normal,” not like a freak of nature). There are moments when I feel sad about losing THIS baby, and there are moments when I feel sad simply because I’m not pregnant and want to be. There are moments when I resent the fact that we have to start the ttc process all over again (it took us a looooong time to conceive this first time). There are times when I feel at peace and strong, there are times that I just don’t feel anything at all and realize that I’ve just totally checked out in a daze.
I know it will get better. I know that life will return to normal (whatever normal is), and I know that we can get through this (DH is just the greatest. I mean it. He’s AMAZING.). I just need to remember that there is a lot of hope going forward!
As far as anyone knows, that loss was just "one of those things." I don't feel bitter when people remind me "It's actually really common and happens to lots of people." I just feel sad and wish it weren't so.
Last week, before I knew I was pregnant, Matt and I were talking about a friends' newborn, who has a heart defect and needs major surgery ASAP. He commented that the more he sees and hears and learns, the more pregnancy and birth seem to him like a gamble. He was thinking about how there are no guarantees, and how a lot of things have to go right to end up with a healthy baby.
That is what scares me. That there is so much about all of this that is out of my hands. I can't control whether a chromosomal abnormality is going to lead to another early miscarriage. I can't control whether my baby is going to develop normally. I can't guarantee that it will be an uneventful birth. This whole process means nothing other than taking one day at a time, which makes these next two hundred forty-something days feel like an eternity.
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