There is, admittedly, a lot to process about the past few days' experience. Especially given that there is a lot left to process about these last few months and years.
At some point, I'll probably recount my time in the hospital, and try to process my feelings about that experience.
But for this morning, I think I just want to admit that as brave as I am trying to be about going forward with the new and limited options for us to start a family...I'm not feeling so brave this morning.
I don't feel the same resentment as I've felt at other points; I am not struggling with the feelings of inadequacy from unexplained fertility. Now I just know my limitations. But they are BIG limitations. I am no longer in a group of people even able to pretend that we can have kids of our own, unassisted. Or even with small assistance.
On the Today Show this morning, they were telling the story of a woman who, after having 11 (yes, 11!) kids, finally decided to go back to school - enrolling and succeeding at Harvard. And she was lovely. Sweet, graceful, kind. She made mention that no, she wasn't Catholic, she wasn't Mormon, she had actually been on birth control, she definitely didn't expect to just keep getting pregnant...11 times. And I believed her. And then I felt sad. Because that will never be me.
The truth is that nothing has actually changed for me. The scar tissue was keeping me from conceiving - and even making it dangerous for me to conceive! - and so nothing is different now...except that I know. I know that I will only be able to conceive with lots of help, instead of just wondering. I know that adoption is another serious option, even though we were planning on it at some point anyway.
It is just a strange place to really know what I'm up against. I'm glad that I have some answers, and I'm glad that I won't ever have to go through this again. I'm glad that there were real reasons that conceiving was difficult for us. I'm glad that they got the scar tissue cleaned out, and that I'm going to be better off for this.
But it's still hard to get confirmation that this trying to conceive process is not an easy road for us.
At some point, I'll probably recount my time in the hospital, and try to process my feelings about that experience.
But for this morning, I think I just want to admit that as brave as I am trying to be about going forward with the new and limited options for us to start a family...I'm not feeling so brave this morning.
I don't feel the same resentment as I've felt at other points; I am not struggling with the feelings of inadequacy from unexplained fertility. Now I just know my limitations. But they are BIG limitations. I am no longer in a group of people even able to pretend that we can have kids of our own, unassisted. Or even with small assistance.
On the Today Show this morning, they were telling the story of a woman who, after having 11 (yes, 11!) kids, finally decided to go back to school - enrolling and succeeding at Harvard. And she was lovely. Sweet, graceful, kind. She made mention that no, she wasn't Catholic, she wasn't Mormon, she had actually been on birth control, she definitely didn't expect to just keep getting pregnant...11 times. And I believed her. And then I felt sad. Because that will never be me.
The truth is that nothing has actually changed for me. The scar tissue was keeping me from conceiving - and even making it dangerous for me to conceive! - and so nothing is different now...except that I know. I know that I will only be able to conceive with lots of help, instead of just wondering. I know that adoption is another serious option, even though we were planning on it at some point anyway.
It is just a strange place to really know what I'm up against. I'm glad that I have some answers, and I'm glad that I won't ever have to go through this again. I'm glad that there were real reasons that conceiving was difficult for us. I'm glad that they got the scar tissue cleaned out, and that I'm going to be better off for this.
But it's still hard to get confirmation that this trying to conceive process is not an easy road for us.
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